leaving the classroom

@lttllndyhppr For you, my love., originally uploaded by perkyNbLue.

random musings...

leaving was hard
staying for them was much harder

I broke

teaching failed me
again

I was angry
dismissed the thought of going back
it frustrated me to hear "when will you return?"
something I never wanted

I had other interests
other passions

I'd be fine

but what you forget is that to teach you must change
you're no longer living for yourself
you wake up thinking about someone else's child
how you can appeal to their desires
their interests
their passions
and they became my passion

and it hurt to be told that I was bad for them
that I wasn't doing enough
that I should've been doing more

because I gave them everything
my enthusiasm, my joy
my hugs, my high fives
my songs, my dancing
my early mornings, my sleep
my social life, my sanity
my love
and they returned it

and now
they're growing up
they have new teachers
new friends
new classrooms
and I
new adventures abroad
a new job
new living arrangements
new friends, as well as some old
a new appreciation for wine
and new haircut
but I don't feel entirely new

some mornings
before my eyes have opened
I think about how O is doing in Kinder for the second time
or how S is making friends
how I wish I could have had another lunch with C
or spent all day with my fourth period, first grade

students aside, I wish I could
geek out about math games
about children's lit
perform skits and poems for no reason but to excite and entertain
sing anthems at the top of my lungs and not be the loudest one, but not because I'm not trying

my favorite part about teaching, however
knowing that at anytime, for any reason
someone was thinking about me
maybe because of the hw assigned
or because they wanted more attention in class
or, and this was always my favorite, because they just loved math, learning, or the thought of school

I love
art
music
dance
friends
photography
deep conversations
but it's not enough

I want to
geek out about math games
about children's lit
perform skits and poems for no reason but to excite and entertain
sing anthems at the top of my lungs and not be the loudest one, but not because I'm not trying
to find some way to tap back into this side of me that I lost

as is, I'm not complete
and it's not because life at home changed
or that I don't have a someone to "call my own"
or that I am lonely or self-pitying myself

somewhere along the way

I forgot that me was all of the above

emotionally taxing days and nights in the classroom are not

but the rest

is

I'm just now finally ready to admit it

and it feels good

:)