going through withdrawals

Me & Justin, originally uploaded by perkyNbLue.

The family had a great time out on the town tonight... After work, Dana and I headed down to the Karl Strauss Brewery to meet up with everyone else. Dayna is in town with her boyfriend, so we were able to meet up with the two of them as a group.

The service was really great. The food was delicious, as expected. And I, again, find that I am a complete lightweight. It's a bit of a bummer really, because I am the only one in the family who cannot chug a decent sized beer, without feeling it too hard. I know I hold my hard liquor better than they do, so I guess it's a consolation of some kind. Heh.

Dancing afterwards was great. I got to just loosen up and enjoy myself. I miss being able to blues on a regular basis, but I guess I'll just have to wait until I move for that miracle. Emily is a lot busier lately and the venues are feeling more and more upbeat.

I'm stubborn though. And every chance I get, I drag my Amanda Jessie onto the floor and make her roll her body and swing her hips for me. I'm doing all that I can to stay sane...

Anyone have an extra ticket to Portland or the Bay?
May tenth is too far away!!

glamorous

Backlit, originally uploaded by perkyNbLue.

I did a photo shoot with Christie today and I absolutely love how it turned out! We had lunch (sister included), she got her make-up done at Mac, we stopped at the Coffee Bean, and then the shooting commenced. It was an all-in-all great day.

After which, I went out and danced in my brand new converse sneakers, drank too much, KILLED my feet, and ended up walking back to my car in socks. It was a great night, but I need to be more careful with the shoes in the future. Now, the drinking? :) It was good.

<sub>G-L-A-M-O-R-O-U-S, yeah
G-L-A-M-O-R-O-U-S

We flyin' first class up in the sky
We flyin' first class, livin' the life
In the fast lane and I won't change
By the glamorous, ooh, the flossy, flossy

The glamorous, the glamorous, glamorous
By the glamorous, ooh, the flossy, flossy
The glamorous, the glamorous, glamorous
By the glamorous, ooh the flossy, flossy

Wear them gold and diamonds rings, all them things don't mean a thing
Chaperons and limousines, shoppin' for expensive things
I be on the movie screens, magazines and boogie scenes
I'm not clean, I'm not pristine, I'm no queen, I'm no machine
♫ Fergie</sub>

i can see it in those eyes

His eyes, originally uploaded by Eliza[beth] Grace.

I had a wonderful day today, spent with my sister and family. Work moved along at a pleasant pace, we relaxed a bit at her apartment after, drove out to Lestat's for an open mic time slot, went to eat dinner, hung out at Dana'a apartment to practice, and drove back to hang out and finally, perform. The performance went well (a lot better than that run-on sentence that you just suffered your way though) and I was happy to have one of my friends come out as well.

One thing that I found out tonight was just how much brassier my voice is compared to my sister's. It's very odd that I never noticed it before, but it's more apparent when I sing higher notes. Either way, it was fun and instead of singing her music, we both got to sing lead vocals for a song.

The song I led was Lisa Loeb's Sandalwood ("I want to kiss the back of your neck, the top of your spine, where your hair hits, and gnaw on your fingertips..."). I always feel a bit odd singing those kinds of lyrics in front of my parents, but it was a bit more comfortable than usual. Thank goodness. Below is the video from the last time we sang together. I think it was about a year and a half ago. Heh.

<sub>I can't help you anymore with this thing that's going on
I can't help you with this thing going on

You got to figure it out yourself, there's a girl you love
I can see it in those eyes, that's the girl you love

I can't help you decide what's going on
I can't help you with this thing called love

Not quite sure how it came about, there's a man I love
He came as a surprise, now he's the man I love
I can't help falling in love with him

And I can't tell you how to do it again
I'm, I'm so in love, I'm so in love...
I'm so in love
♫ Dana Henry</sub>

how we move from A to B?

Day 35: Here's my flair., originally uploaded by perkyNbLue.

I'm quite amused at the moment.

I have spent years despising foods and drinks, based solely on the fact that I didn't like them the day prior. Now, why I didn't like them in the first place, is lost completely, but this year has been a complete turn-around. I've mentioned this before, but today was just too much for me to ignore.

I have never been one to drink beer. I love brewery food and this is what drove my decision to suggest Karl Strauss for lunch this afternoon. I ordered a pint of Scottish Ale and the Big Beer Burger. So in addition to my pint, I also ate food cooked in their Amber Lager, IPA, Woodie Gold, and Red Trolley Ale. To top off the meal, we ordered their "Creme Brewlee," made with an Oatmeal Stout.

Everything was cooked to perfection and I ate enough to last me all day. I may have a tiny snack later, but since I haven't been eating very large portions lately, I'm still feeling plenty full.

Side note, the one pint of beer totally got me tipsy. It was a 6%. It was a bit frustrating to feel that way, while at lunch with my mom and no-booze grandma. Ha.

<sub>hands down
i'm too proud for love
but with eyes shut
it's you i'm thinking of
but how we move from A to B?
it can't be up to me
'cause you don't know
eye to eye
thigh to thigh
i let go

ooo-ooo...

and for you i keep my legs apart
and forget about my tainted heart
and i will never ever be the first
to say it
but still i,
yes you know i..i..i..
i would do it,
push a button
pull a trigger,
climb a mountain
jump off a cliff,
'cause you know baby
i love you love you a little bit
i would do it, i would say it
i would mean it, we could do it
it was you and i and if only i..

come here, stay with me
stroke me by the hair
'cause i would give anything, anything
to have you as my man
♫ Lykke Li</sub>

i told you that we could fly

modern girl, originally uploaded by ohsweetnuthin.

I don't know what's been up with me lately...
I've been particularly tired lately,
desperate for more sleep,
eager to curl up on a couch.

Maaaaayyyyyyyyyyyybe,
it has something to do with my lack of sleep at night,
to do with the constant pain in my eyes,
to do with my inconsistent consumption of caffeine.

Whatever the case,
I want a remedy,
a reason to fight for consciousness,
something to keep me going.

Maybe that something's you.

<sub>Don't ask me, what you know is true
Don't have to tell you, I love your precious heart

I, I was standing
You were there, two worlds collided
And they could never tear us apart

We could live for a thousand years
But if I hurt you I'd make wine from your tears
I told you that we could fly
'Cause we all have wings but some of us don't know why

I, I was standing
You were there, two worlds collided
And they could never ever tear us apart
♫ INXS</sub>

the honey inside your hive

Bagliore, originally uploaded by macxoom.

Dancing was incredible tonight. Incredibly freeing! Of which, I am glad, since the ride up was a bit odd. I love deep conversations and I am open and willing to talk and share about my life, but really... how many times can I discuss the fact that I am a virgin with any sort of serious tone. It's rare. It's uncharacteristically me. I get it. I do. I just wish I didn't have to discuss it when I'm so unsure of it's place in my life.

Life is what you make of it and I intend to live my life, making the best of what I know and have. I am eager to learn and to grow, but I will not force myself to gauge my progress upon the progress of others. It's time to leave my childish ways behind me. :)

Now, I've said this before, but more than ever, please, believe me when I say that you must watch the video linked under the lyrics... It does have profanity, so you have been warned (I know that is a big concern of yours, David).

<sub>You let me violate you
You let me desecrate you
You let me penetrate you
You let me complicate you

(Help me)
I broke apart my insides
(Help me)
I've got no soul to sell
(Help me)
The only thing that works for me
Help me get away from myself

You can have my isolation
you can have the hate that it brings
You can have my absence of faith
you can have my everything

(Help me)
Tear down my reason
(Help me)
It's your sex I can smell
(Help me)
You make me perfect
Help me become somebody else

You get me closer to God
♫ Nine Inch Nails</sub>

things that make you sway

music to my tastebuds..., originally uploaded by ~ geisha ~.

It is incredibly easy to get distracted from the low points and monotony of life, when you dive head-first into your work. I presented to Ramona High School all day on watersheds and the details about water pollution. From there, I went straight up to Encinitas, to teach my second CYT class of the week. It is WAY too far of a drive, but the coordinator is great and the kids are absolutely FANTASTIC!!

I have never been so excited about one group of kids (this is completely fabricated and, quite possibly, an utter lie, but I really do like them!) and I am eager to choreograph a number for them to perform. I am positive that the energy that they possess will speak volumes for any song that I choose. I want to showcase these kids as best I can!

<sub>And in your summer dress, was holding you
But you were holding less
It's not the words, it's the ones you stress
I love, as I love you, just don't love me less

And once in a while,
I know our hearts beat out of time.
And once in a while,
I know they'll fall back in line.

And in the summertime,
I don't know if the stars were aligned
We'd stumble onto something we would like
And I'm afraid I lost the words tonight

And when we're middle aged,
You tell me I loved you like a renegade
And how I say the things that make you sway.
And mostly I tell you you did the same.
♫ Rural Alberta Advantage</sub>

i never think before i say

same mistake, originally uploaded by macxoom.

Touch. I crave it and I miss it when I can't have it. Now, more than usual, I'm feeling overwhelmed by the desire to hold a boy's hand, kiss his cheek, draw him in for a warm embrace, drag my nails down his back, twist my fingers through his hair, and lay against his chest, listening to the inhale and exhale of his breath.

I can live without it. I don't need it. But oh, how much I'd love to be able to have it. I guess blues dancing on Friday will just have do, for now... and I hope it helps to some degree. I'm not very hopeful, but it's worth a try. May, please, come quickly!

<sub>Sweet pea
What's all this about
Don't get your way all you do is fuss and pout
You're the only reason I keep on coming home

I like the Rock of Gibraltar
I always seem to falter
And the words just get in the way
Oh I know I'm gonna crumble
I'm trying to stay humble
But I never think before I say

Sweet pea
Keeper of my soul
I know sometimes I'm out of control
You're the only reason I keep on coming
♫ Amos Lee</sub>

i'm another part of you, dear

today I became another girl., originally uploaded by rosa joy.

I always find it quite interesting to hear about the lives of my friends. Especially those that are drastically different from mine. The world looks so different through the eyes of another person.

Part of me finds serial monogamy (I will explain it in a moment) to misleading and dangerous, while another part of me so desperately wants to make it okay. I think it's a great thing when you can find someone that you connect with, someone who you can dote over, someone who makes you feel good. What I am talking about, however, is when a person moves from one serious relationship to another, with little, to no, time in between.

No time to recollect, to reconsider, to reflect. It may not seem to be much, but it's what made me who I am today. I spent two-three years single, outside of any traditional relationship. Yes, I may have attempted a few dates, but nothing seemed lasting and therefore, unworthy of my time.

Unworthy of my time. There's another thing that seems so damning to a relationship. It's something that seems unkind to say.. about anything really. Still, it is how I address potential suitors and how I will continue to do so, because it makes sense.

If I were to quickly jump into a new relationship each time I found myself single, I wouldn't exist. All that would exist are the fragments of past relationships, heartbreaks, conquests... oh, an a little of me, I suppose. I probably wouldn't know how much I enjoy writing or dancing or coffee shoppes or relationships with other women. Not that I can't or don't do these things in a relationship, but it was during my single moments that I found them.

My single weeks, single months, single years... Does everyone need this much time to find themselves? Probably not. But why not take it? Bask in it. Bask in all that is and can, one day, be you.

<sub>What a difference a day makes
Twenty-four little hours
Brought the sun and the flowers
Where there used to be rain

My yesterday was blue, dear
Today I'm a part of you, dear
My lonely nights are through, dear
Since you said you were mine

What a difference a day makes
There's a rainbow before me
Skies above can't be stormy
Since that moment of bliss, that thrilling kiss

It's heaven when you find romance on your menu
What a difference a day made
And the difference is you
♫ Marisa Lindsay</sub>

i'd be sunlight in your skies

day fifteen. my first jump in 30 days!, originally uploaded by ::reflecting truth::.

I have stressed out all day over things that didn't deserve that sort of attention. I am done with it. And now, I'm just going to enjoy the feelings that I had to begin with. I'm happy, ecstatic, and far too content with life right now... Granted, in many ways, I am not... I still can't wait to move closer to you, Big, promise! But with what I have now, I can't think of any other way to feel.

<sub>If you were a melody
I'd sing you all the time
And if your hands were poetry
I'd memorize every line
And if every look you gave me were
A different hue or shade of color
I'd learn how to paint you

You know I'd try

And if you were words in a story
You'd be in a book that's overdue
That's somewhere hidden in my closet
Looked a million times for you
And if you were just one day
You'd be the very first of May
And I'd be sunlight in your skies

Or at least I'd try
You know I'd try

What are the words, all the words that you're saying
I wish I knew all the prayers that you're praying
Everywhere you go I wish
That I could stand next to you
What are the words, all the words that you're saying
I wish I knew all the prayers that you're praying
Everywhere you go I wish
That I could stand next to you
♫ Jillian Edwards</sub>

yer the match & i'm the fuse

Dyne a la Lady Gaga, originally uploaded by Daniel Conway.

I am feeling a bit adventurous and far too stir-crazy to stay home for another second. I have decided to go out salsa dancing tonight. I'm actually late, so I need to run, but if anything of interest is to happen, I will certainly write about it tomorrow. All that I did today was procrastinate! :]

<sub>If you be the cash, I'll be the rubberband
You be the match, I'm gon be the fuse, boom
Painter baby, you could be the muse
I'm the reporter baby, you could be the news
Cause you're the cigarette and I'm the smoker
We raise a be, cause you're the joker
You are the chalk and I can be the blackboard
You could be the talk and I could be the walk

Even when the sky comes falling
Even when the sun don't shine
I got faith in you and I
So put your pretty little hand in mine
Even when we're down to the wire baby
Even when it's do or die
We could do it baby, simple and plain
Cause this love is a sure thing

You could bet that never gotta sweat that

You could be the lover, I'll be the fighter baby
If I'm the blunt, you could be the lighter babe
Fire it up
Writer baby, you could be the quote
If I'm the lyric, baby, you could be the note. record that
Saint, I'm a sinner, prize, I'm a winner, it's you
What can I do to deserve that
Paper baby, I'll be the pen
Say that I'm the one, cause girl you're a ten
♫ Miguel Jontel</sub>

i could never imagine you...

DPP_0150, originally uploaded by dshack.

I'm so happy.
Too happy for words right now.
Perfectly happy.
:)

<sub>Every mornin', every evenin', every day I, I think of you
The way you love me, through and through

When I'm with you, it feels like heaven
You're an angel, holdin' me
Your sweet, sweet lovin', it sets me free

And in my wildest, imagination,
I could never, imagine you
Lovin' me as much as, as I do love you

And it may be winter, it may be fall
I might have plenty, or nothin' at all
But baby I'll be there, whenever you call, ever you call

'Cause every mornin', and every evenin', every day I, I think of you
The way you love me, through and through
The way you love me, through and through
♫ Keb' Mo'</sub>

tonight, it's all about my baby

IMG_8341, originally uploaded by zane2hyperzane.

I feel like I am beginning to calm down. To gain my bearings, even if it is ever so slightly. I want to be sure that I am making choices based on my deepest beliefs, rather than the passing emotions that flood my consciousness. It will be difficult sorting the deep from the passing, but I am determined to find myself in the midst of this overwhelming and cloudy confusion.

<sub>When I think about you
I think about giving myself to you
Cause you know I want you baby and
I would do anything
I know you thinkin
The same thing baby
So come get it (come and get it baby)
I'm so excited
I can't hide my feelings get it
I wont stop to we start over and finish finish
Tonight, it's all about my baby
I'm feeling for you
You get me high
I can't stop you feel me right

Close the door
Bed or floor?
I just want more
I can't get enough of you
What I got in store
It's all of yours
I just want more
I can't get enough of you
♫ Tamia</sub>

he'll recognize a real woman

DPP_0097, originally uploaded by dshack.

I've been thinking a lot about teaching lately, in every capacity, including dance. I am eager to help others to learn and grow comfortable with the social dance scene. The most important thing that they must learn, in my opinion, is how to connect with a partner. This is rarely taught directly in San Diego, since we get new dancers all of the time.

Instead, lessons are move-focused and people get caught up in the mechanics of the steps, rather than the flow of the dance. I want to be able to shift the dancers' focus to the fundamentals of communication in partner dancing.

All this said, I hope to build up my own skills and the confidence that I need to be able to pour into others in the necessary ways. Emily and I have our work cut out for us, but I look forward to working with her and bringing what we have learned to others!

<sub>You fly as hell swagga right, brown skin poppin'
You know just how to talk to me, know just how I like it
You turnin' me on, you turnin' me on, you turnin' me on

Now wait a minute little buster
You got one more time to feel on my booty
Better recognize a lady that ain't the way you do me

You turnin' me off, you turnin' me off
You turnin' me off
Better recognize a real woman

(Ahh)
You ever try to get that close to me
You better come correct how you 'proachin' me
Dime divas give it to me
♫ Keri Hilson</sub>

love the way she bites her lip

amour, originally uploaded by elisabethsarah.

It's a bit strange... Before I knew, I was somewhat content. Longing for more, but content, for the most part. Now that I know how he feels and know how I feel when I'm with him, I am a bit sad that I can't have more time with him. It's a slightly uncomfortable way to feel, to be quite honest. I keep thinking that it is possible for the whole thing to escape, just as quickly as it came into my life.

Now, I'm not writing to be intentionally overdramatic, so allow me to explain just a bit more. The word that I keep referring back to is "normal." Normal. What does that word even mean? Who decides what is normal? Which set of rules am I to use to determine whether or not this pairing is normal? Normal. I don't like the word. I don't think I want to be normal.

What I do know is that this is a good thing. He is a good man. And I feel good about it. It was easier before I knew, because it was the only way for me to remain uninvested. Slightly distant, even though I was entirely too intrigued to stay away. Now that I know, I'm glad we met. I'm glad we connected. We stayed in touch. Abnormal and illogical sounds good to me. So, for now, it is. :)

<sub>I love the way she bites her lip
I love the way she shakes her hips
I love the way she makes me drool
I think that she is beautiful

She's so lovely
She's so lovely
She's so lovely
Well she's so lovely


A stunner
I wonder?
Was she this fit when she was 10 years younger
Come see me discretely
She said she's got a trick or two to teach me

I don't know
I don't know
I don't know
How we'll make it through this
♫ Scouting for Girls</sub>

you're every song I ever sing

BluesShout-0339, originally uploaded by Steve Losh.

So, tickets for Blues Recess are sold out and I am so glad I got mine while I could. I am very excited about the whole thing and really just can't wait. I am doing my best to focus on the things I can change for the time being... since time-travel is not an option.

... it really should be.

<sub>All I do the whole night through
Is dream of you
And with the dawn
I still go on dreamin' of you
You're every thought
You're everything
You're every song I ever sing
Summer, winter, autumn and spring.
And were there more
Than twenty-four hours a day,
They'd be spent in sweet content
Dreamin' away
When skies are gray
Skies are blue
Morning, noon and nighttime too

All I do the whole day through.
♫ Singin' in the Rain</sub>

but that means four boobs...

I'm Still Holding My Breath., originally uploaded by SaylaMarz.

I actually haven't met many women who haven't kissed another girl at some point in their lives. It may seem like an odd thing to ask about and for that reason, I haven't brought it up with all too many, but so far, it holds true. I think it makes all too much sense as well.

Women are sultry and sexy and very unpredictable. Yes, men can have these qualities and not all women do, but it holds pretty true. If you haven't done so yet and you were given the opportunity, would you? Why was I even reminded of this? The quote from Desperate Housewives today (my sister's roommate was watching it) was, "As much as you think you can switch your entree from meat to fish, it doesn't work that way." HA!! Love it.

That said, I'm going to go out dancing tonight (even though I'm in utter pain from the Dance-a-thon) and I'm going to get my lady-dance on! I can't wait to dance with my girl, Amanda Jessie, again. I love being led, but sometimes it's good to change it up and lead a wonderful follow!! YEE-ah!

<sub>Hey, hey, hey
Seeing her skin, feeling silky smooth
Color of cafe au lait
Made the savage beast inside
Roaring until it cried, "More, more, more!"

Now he's at home doing 9 to 5
Living his brave life of lies
But when he turns off to sleep
All memories keep more, more, more

Gitchi gitchi ya ya da da da
Gitchi gitchi ya ya here
Mocha chocolata, ya ya
Creole Lady Marmalade

Voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir?
Voulez-vous coucher avec moi?
♫ Christina Aguilera, Lil' Kim, Mya, & Pink</sub>

it's ok if you have go away

healing koi, originally uploaded by *taryn.

Today was an amazing, fantastic, wonderful day and I was far too tired to write about it before falling into a deep sleep, against my will.

Side note: Bring a boyfriend/girlfriend the next time you need to pick someone up from the airport. When you pull up to look for the person you're picking up, just start making out as if (s)he's the one who is leaving. You don't get rushed away, if they think you're saying goodbye. Pretty sweet deal, if you ask me! :)

<sub>See I'm all about them words
Over numbers, unencumbered numbered words
Hundreds of pages, pages, pages forwards
More words then I had ever heard and I feel so alive

You and I, you and I
Not so little you and I anymore
And with this silence brings a moral story
More importantly evolving is the glory of a boy

Cause you and I both loved
What you and I spoke of
And others just dream of
And if you could see me now
Well I'm almost finally out of
I'm finally out of
Finally deedeedeedee
Well I'm almost finally, finally
Well I'm free, oh, I'm free

And it's okay if you have go away
Oh just remember the telephone works both ways
And if I never ever hear them ring
If nothing else I'll think the bells inside
Have finally found you someone else and that's okay
Cause I'll remember everything you sang
♫ Jason Mraz</sub>

s'ok... i'm fine with the couch

princess & the pea, originally uploaded by la_sendi.

I could have been lying atop six cozy mattresses and still manage to stay up most of the night. It was marvelous and wonderful and everything I never thought could be. I look forward to the rest of the weekend. SO much.

<sub>I've got a bad boy and that's alright with me
His dirty laundry is nothing that I can't keep clean
And when he needs an alibi
He can use me all night

(Oooh) What's the fun in playing it safe?
(Oooh) I think I'd rather misbehave
Your way

I'm just a bad girl, that's why we get along
Won't make excuses for anything I'm doing wrong
I'll pull the trigger in a flash
Watch out honey, step back


(Oooh) What's the fun in playing it safe?
(Oooh) I think I'd rather misbehave
Our way

We're simply mad
Simply mad
♫ Bitter:Sweet</sub>

breaking my mother's heart

it's swimsuit season..., originally uploaded by ::reflecting truth::.

Wow. On a whim, I weighed myself today and found that I have lost nearly ten pounds in the last three months or so! It's absolute craziness that one change can make that much of a difference. I really haven't changed much of my diet at all. I eat as I please, although my appetite seems smaller most of the time, usually eating only twice a day, with an occasional snack after dancing.

I feel like I should eat fewer carbs and less greasy foods and more protein, in general. LoL. It's odd, but if given the choice, I always seem to reach for salted carbs or cheese before much else. Now if it's good meat, that's always first on my list, but I hardly ever have the opportunity to eat it, since I'm never home to cook it for myself and buying meat, on-the-go, is quite lacking in quality.

I'm sure I'll find way around it soon enough, but as for now, I'm going to try and be more aware of the calories I consume from alcohol. I haven't been as careful about that. Anyone else notice how expensive vitamins are now-a-days? LoL. Seems like an odd thing to spend good money on. Oh, well. I ought to get on that as well.

I'm off to finish packing for the weekend and then I'm heading out to CB early, so I can relax before the weekend really begins. I suspect that it will be a crazy, wonderful weekend and I don't want to allow myself to stress over the details. :)

<sub>I'm breaking my mother's heart
The longer I stand looking at you
The more I hear it splinter and crack
From ninety miles away

I'm breaking my mother's heart
The JCC of Spring Valley is shaking
And crumbling to the ground
And my grandfather's rolling
Rolling in his grave

If you had a tattoo, that wouldn't matter
If you had a shaved head, that would be cool
If you came from Spain or Japan
Or the back of a van
Just as long as you're not from Hebrew school
I'd say, "Now I'm getting somewhere!
I'm finally breaking through!"
I'd say, "Hey! Hey! Shiksa goddess!
I've been waiting for someone like you"

I've been waiting through Danica Schwartz and Erica Weiss
And the Handelman twins
I've been waiting through
Heather Greenblatt,
Annie Mincus,
Karen Pincus
And Lisa Katz
And Stacy Rosen, Ellen Kaplan, Julie Silber and Janie Stein
I've had Shabbas dinners on Friday nights
With every Shapiro in Washington Heights
But the minute I first met you
I could barely catch my breath
I've been standing for days with the phone in my hand
Like and idiot, scared to death
I've been wandering through the desert
I've been beaten, I've been hit
My people have suffered for thousands of years
And I don't give a shit!


If you drove an R.V., that wouldn't matter
If you like to drink blood, I think it's cute
If you've got a powerful connection to your firearm collection
I'd say, Draw a bead and shoot
I'm your Hebrew slave, at your service
Just tell me what to do
I say, "Hey hey hey hey!
I've been waiting for someone
I've been praying for someone
I think that I could be in love with someone
Like you"
♫ The Last Five Years</sub>

yesterday's cup of cold coffee

entwined, originally uploaded by Kelly Angard - kreativekell.

Feeling poetic... I'm just sharing some old poetry today. :)
Lonely Nomad

Nothing has an end
I pack my goodbyes in boxes
Never thinking to unpack when I’ve arrived

My goodbyes sit and wait
Present in photos of old friends and lovers
Present in class rings, shot glasses, favors from weddings
Ants gnaw at their corners
... And the dust piles grow

I shuffle through these forgotten memories
Finding dull, listless eyes staring back
... The goodbyes are no longer present
They have escaped without my knowing
... They have expired

Yet again I pack
... For a new home and a new life
It's a long road and I’m nowhere near its end
I try, yet again, to wave goodbye as I depart
... And, I suppose, a part of me will

But not the part that knows.

Missing Support

I felt roots plunge deep
I felt far extending branches
I felt flower blossoms unfold

And then, nothing

No green life
No soothing breeze
No support alongside

I don’t feel you
I won’t cry
I don’t, I won’t grow

If you ask me, it's just a nicer way to grieve. Turning painful emotions into pieces of art, rather than dwelling on them any longer than it takes to write is amazing. It always seems to relieve the stress, the intensity, the hopelessness when I write them out. I know I'm especially hurt when the poem takes over a week to write. The words don't always come together as easily. When they do, I can take pride in my accomplishment, rather than the hurt that brought it about.

<sub>It's been a long time comin' and the cards were stacked.
It's been a long hard road to Hell and back.
Your love meant trouble, from the day we met.
You won every hand, I lost every bet.

Now you'd think that I should've known better.
Now I think that I should've seen it comin'.
My heart sank when I read that letter.
It sank like a stone, it sank like a stone.

A cup of cold coffee, yesterday's mail.
A bad love like this is always bound to fail.
Your love meant trouble from the day we met.
If you want your things, they're on the front step.
♫ Nickel Creek</sub>

it's my curious sinner within

Beach Couple, originally uploaded by Jonathan!.

_{Oh dear, what can I say?
I'm high here, up and spinning away
From a kiss of a thrill to be filled
Can someone hear me?}

I am truly looking forward to the weekend before me.

_{Love, what do you say?
Your mystery winds me up to be playful
Oh, here goes my curious sinner within
Is someone listening? I hope no one is listening!}

I don't want to build up too many expectations,

_{How do I slow down? I can't relate to my heart now
I've thrown what I've known is enough of me out
I'm running on empty}

but I'm human and it's natural to do so. :)

_{Time says, "it's the end of the day"
My inside says for your lips to forget what time says
Or do I let go of the feeling when you steal the logic around me?
♫ Erin McCarley}

we were naked, as we came

Rock The Pole (30 of 44), originally uploaded by Turbanov Photography.

So, Emily and I have discussed taking pole dance lessons. After watching RhiannanNichole dance to John Mayer, we found ourselves intrigued and inspired. The wardrobe would certainly be different for us, but if Kevin James can wear this, we most certainly will find a way to be comfortable! Ha. We'll see.

<sub>She says, "wake up, it's no use pretending"
I'll keep stealing, breathing her.
Birds are leaving over autumn's ending
One of us will die inside these arms
Eyes wide open, naked, as we came
One will spread our ashes 'round the yard

She says, "If I leave before you, darling
Don't you waste me in the ground"
I lay smiling like our sleeping children
One of us will die inside these arms
Eyes wide open, naked, as we came
One will spread our ashes round the yard
♫ Iron and Wine</sub>

let's make heaven right here

lifelines*, originally uploaded by the*Glint.

I'm sorry that I didn't write yesterday.

Although I had plenty to say, I just couldn't stand to stare at the screen for very long at all. Even now, I write this staring only at the keys, through squinting eyes. I'm in pain and looking through my blogs, I realize that my eyes have hurt me for a couple of months now. Logically, I have waited until now to go into the eye doctor and get them checked.

I hope it's an easy fix and that I will soon be able to see without wanting to cry. I keep wishing that at least one part of my body would stop being so damned sensitive. It certainly can be good, but it's mostly a very, very bad thing. :(

<sub>Check out the introvert
In the corner with the rip in her skirt
Stomach pains so she grippin' her shirt
Ain't never had dinner
So she know she ain't gettin' dessert
Don't try to tell me it's her mission to hurt
I got faith in the people and they power to fight
We gon make the struggle blossom
Like a flower to light
I know that we could take power tonight
Make 'em cower from might
And get emergency clearance from the tower for flight
I ain't sittin in your pews less you helpin' me resist and refuse
Show me a list of your views
If you really love me
Help me tear this muthafucka up
Consider this my tithe for the offer cup

Preacher man wanna save my soul
Don't nobody wanna save my life
People we done lost control
Let's make heaven tonite
Preacher man wanna save my soul
Don't nobody wanna save my life
People we done lost control
Let's make heaven tonite

I used to think about infinity
And how my memory is finna be
Invisibly slim in that vicinity
And though the stars are magnificent
Whisky and the midnight sky can make you feel insignificant
The revolution in this tune and verse
Is a bid for my love to touch the universe
Strugglin' over wages and funds
Let the movement get contagious and run
Through the end when it's gauges and guns
And if we win in the ages to come
We'll have a chapter where the history pages are from


Let's make heaven right here
Just in case they wrong
♫ The Coup</sub>

ya know i'm gonna give it

Spring Love, originally uploaded by Jonathan!.

I had a bit of a revelation today. I know that I've lived a very sheltered lifestyle, even though I feel otherwise from time to time. Still, it always shocks me to find out just how different I am from the world around me. A friend of mine shared the number of sexual encounters that (s)he had, and I could hardly believe it.

Obviously, since I've never actually had sex, I have no number to compare to it, but the number of long-term relationships was just as stunning, I feel. Seven. That's not too many, but they were all longer than 6-months and at least one lasted several years. I tried to determine mine... I can really, honestly, unfortunately say one.

Just one. Before that relationship, I never stayed in a relationship for longer than a mere two months. I wasn't a serial dater... and actually, I think I've only had about eight or nine, in total, but I know when it's is a relationship that I don't want, I don't need, or won't grow into anything deeper. I commit myself to the person I'm with, but I refuse to commit to someone who is undeserving of me or who I can't support in any way that he might need.

I don't think I am overly serious about my relationships, pushing the men out of my life. Instead, it's the fact that I rush into everything I do. With relationships, that means that I find a person I want to be with, chase him, and if I catch him, I then begin to determine whether or not the relationship would be good for us.

I fully believe that there will be someone in my life who will someday tame my wild, impulsive nature, while encouraging me to continue expressing myself in healthy ways. Someone who I can and want to trust and who can and wants to be with me.

I fell asleep, twice, without actually posting this thing.
I'm just gunna get it submitted!

<sub>If you want my lovin
If you really do
Don't be afra-aid bab-ay
Just ask me
Ya know I'm gonna give it to you

Oh and I do declare (I do)
I Wanna see you with it
Stretch out your arms little boy
Your gonna get it
Cause I love you-oo
(Baby, baby, baby I love you)
There ain't no doubt about it
Baby I lo-ove you
(Baby, baby, baby I love you)
I love you, I love you, I love you
I love you, baby I love you
♫ Aretha Franklin</sub>

freckles align when we kiss

4., originally uploaded by Chrissie White.

Home all day and without a single idea for a blog.


It happens...

Right?

_{I am thinking it's a sign that the freckles
In our eyes are mirror images and when
We kiss they're perfectly aligned
And I have to speculate that God himself
Did make us into corresponding shapes like
Puzzle pieces from the clay
True, it may seem like a stretch, but
Its thoughts like this that catch my troubled
Head when you're away when I am missing you to death
When you are out there on the road for
Several weeks of shows and when you scan
The radio, I hope this song will guide you home
♫ Postal Service}

i got this jones comin’ down

IMG_4289a, originally uploaded by tonibduguid.

I danced with Bill Nye tonight and as the girl in this photo states, "He's an excellent dancer." I have wanted to dance with him for a while, but I've always made excuses and avoided it in the past. Tonight, I walked straight over, asked him to dance, and we had a fun one! Afterwards, he thanked me, said it was a great dance, and introduced himself.

My name is Bill.
*i know, i know! the science guy!!* Oh, I'm Lauren.
L-A-U-R or L-O-R?
L-A-U.
Well, thanks for the dance!
Yes, we'll need more in the future.
Definitely!
:D

<sub>And, I can’t, I can't go, Cold Turkey
You can't expect me to quit, now baby.
Cold Turkey
Feelings don't go away so easy.
Just a little more time, and I swear I'll leave you alone.
But, tonight I got this jones comin’ down.

It keeps calling me right back, I keep thinkin’ about the past,
I don't wanna be with nobody but you, no man.
I miss your rhythm and groove, miss, don't know how you do it.
All I know is I'm addicted to your love.

And, I can't go, Cold Turkey
You can't expect me to quit, do ya baby?
Cold Turkey
Feelings don't go away so easy.
Just a little more time, and I swear I'll leave you alone.
But, tonight I got this jones comin’ down,</sub>
♫ Anthony David

getting stronger, by the minute

flower eater , originally uploaded by SophieMuc.

_{I know you've got something burning up inside,
It's so unhealthy but so good for me, oh!
Said if I didn't know, and if I didn't know,
Well if I didn't know that you loved me would you tempt me?
Well God only knows our contradiction's to quitting,
Is a hate to love relationship thing.
A fire under you is so fulfilling,
I fear there's nothing more.}

It was quite difficult to get to a computer to blog during my stay in the Bay Area, so you'll just have to trust me that the missing days WILL be posted shortly. They reside on the pages of my notebook and I have yet to make the time to type 'em up. I mean, come on... I took my dear, sweet time getting today's blog up. Ha!

So, Verona and I had the chance to hang out tonight and it was quite nice to be able to open up to a Christian friend, without feeling at all judged. Thanks for that, Verona. I especially liked the fact that several of the things that I said caused her to respond with a resounding, "me too!" It's a comfort to know that I'm not the only one clumsily finding my way through faith and religion, after so many years of such confidence.

In a way, I feel a bit sad that I don't have that constant to fall back on, a place to put all my hopes and dreams, to run to when I find myself lost in life. On the other hand, however, I feel like I used religion as a crutch. A reason to avoid change. To avoiding the unknown. It's no wonder to me anymore why I felt so stifled, claustrophobic. I wore a symbol of His eternal love, which only masked the fear and doubt in my life. How did I get to a place that is completely contradictory to view God had for our lives?

It's strange, because I've found it to be much easier to trust and experience life, as a whole, since I've let go of the restrictions and regulations of religion. Yes, I am eating away at my innocence (like that? the picture?), but who's to say that it is anything less than exactly what I need at this point. I have lived a life of waiting. For the moment that someone would tell me that it is okay for me to express different parts of myself.

I may lose bits and pieces that were important to me along the way, but what I will gain... freedom, self-discovery, wisdom, connections with wonderful people, love... far surpasses the life I once reduced my life to. I am determined to find a way to keep God as a part of my life, but I do not want to do that from life's sidelines. You will find me in the middle of it all, trying to soak up the world around me and project God's love and confidence out as far as I can. With or without religion.

<sub>I'm giving, giving you, the choke hold,
My flirting with disaster is modern love.
Ugggh you, you're so bold,
My wanting to kiss you still is not enough.
I'm getting over, all the comments.
Unfriendly statements made by people are nonsense.
I'm getting stronger, by the minute.
And once I slip into position I'll swing you and turn you all around.

You are the sweetest thing I've found since whenever,
You're the only way my time is measured.
You might be the silent type,
But your advertising louder now.
It's crazy how you're killing me.


And I like it natural,
No need for chemicals.
Sparkening up my senses
You're makin'in sense
You're calling it sexual.


I won't blow your cover,
Opportunistic lover.
♫ Jason Mraz</sub>

go be free and fly away

The Bay, originally uploaded by perkyNbLue.

Here I am, leaving this wonderful town... after over three hours spent in the lovely SFO airport, which doesn't have freaking Wifi! What the heck?! Even though I have already spent a half-day's time, in all, on BART, I still managed to get myself lost today... again. See? This is why my parents insisted on buying me a GPS for Christmas!

Anyways... After finding my way back to the correct BART line, I arrived at the airport, at least, thirty minutes later than I would have (I didn't realize that I was already cutting it so close!) and missed my flight. So, back to the starting place: I am now leaving the Bay, hours later than I intended.

Just like that, San Francisco disappears into a rainy fog. And I am back on the plane, flying home.

Goodbye - delicious cuisines, Bay bridge, gorgeous cliffs, old friends, new friends, wonderful dances, Big Sis. I look forward to my next visit! SO much!! :)

<sub>You’re 15 miles over the speed,
You’re going fast as you can, off to your daydream

On your mark, get set, hurry
and have a serious talk with your champagne.

Go on, go on, go on, the stars are watching,
Just say, just say, just say, what you’re feeling,
You know, you know, you know, you gotta take a bow and do it your way,
It’s okay, ladadadadadadadada,
it’s okay, ladadadadadadadada

It’s time for you to prove,
Within your ruby shoes,
You deserve a smile with no regret,
Look at you
Kicking off your shoes,
Dancing for the world to see,
You got the power to believe,
Now Open up and see,
And go be free and fly away</sub>

too many faces in this world

Math Gnomes, originally uploaded by Pictures by Ann.

Alright, so I apologize for the information from the two job-related days to be posted so late, but both were written as I was riding BART and I just didn't make the time to transcribe the information. Oh well.

So I rode BART up to North Concord and rode the rest of the way, to the Pittsburg observations, with Big. It was really great to be able to check out the classes and meet the teachers. Already, I can tell that their enthusiasm and energy is exactly what I'm looking for in a job. I was unable to get an interview with the principal today, but I will have the chance to interview over the phone, once I arrive back home.

In order to keep from getting too hung up on this one job, I intend to start the application process for various Bay Area districts right away. If this job doesn't pan out, I'm hopeful in finding another middle school math position somewhere else, since I am pretty convinced that Elementary is out of the question, at this point. I may even make some time to help out at my old middle school, if I can. We'll see.

I'm a little sad to be leaving the Bay so soon, but it will be good to get home and earn back some of the money I've been spending on transportation up here! I am in need of some serious hours!! I'll be going straight into work after flying tomorrow. Boy, will I be exhausted. But it's the perfect excuse to drink coffee. :)

<sub>This ain't no heaven, ain't no hell, ain't no in-between,
Cuz there's just too many faces and places in this world,
That I ain't never seen

I'm gonna keep on keeping on on,
I'm gonna reap on being strong, and I got my head on,
Though misconnected, its alright cuz I do it protected,

I got a day job, I drive a cheap ride, Sounds like I'm gonna be fine,
You only get one life to learn, There's only so many brain cells you can burn,
An' life can take a turn, and take away everything that you've earned,
And leave you yearnin' for more more more,

Life is gonna leave you yearnin' for more more more,
Your stomach gonna be churnin' wantin' more,
You wantin' wantin' some more, you wantin' some more,
Do you want some?</sub>