leaving the classroom

@lttllndyhppr For you, my love., originally uploaded by perkyNbLue.

random musings...

leaving was hard
staying for them was much harder

I broke

teaching failed me
again

I was angry
dismissed the thought of going back
it frustrated me to hear "when will you return?"
something I never wanted

I had other interests
other passions

I'd be fine

but what you forget is that to teach you must change
you're no longer living for yourself
you wake up thinking about someone else's child
how you can appeal to their desires
their interests
their passions
and they became my passion

and it hurt to be told that I was bad for them
that I wasn't doing enough
that I should've been doing more

because I gave them everything
my enthusiasm, my joy
my hugs, my high fives
my songs, my dancing
my early mornings, my sleep
my social life, my sanity
my love
and they returned it

and now
they're growing up
they have new teachers
new friends
new classrooms
and I
new adventures abroad
a new job
new living arrangements
new friends, as well as some old
a new appreciation for wine
and new haircut
but I don't feel entirely new

some mornings
before my eyes have opened
I think about how O is doing in Kinder for the second time
or how S is making friends
how I wish I could have had another lunch with C
or spent all day with my fourth period, first grade

students aside, I wish I could
geek out about math games
about children's lit
perform skits and poems for no reason but to excite and entertain
sing anthems at the top of my lungs and not be the loudest one, but not because I'm not trying

my favorite part about teaching, however
knowing that at anytime, for any reason
someone was thinking about me
maybe because of the hw assigned
or because they wanted more attention in class
or, and this was always my favorite, because they just loved math, learning, or the thought of school

I love
art
music
dance
friends
photography
deep conversations
but it's not enough

I want to
geek out about math games
about children's lit
perform skits and poems for no reason but to excite and entertain
sing anthems at the top of my lungs and not be the loudest one, but not because I'm not trying
to find some way to tap back into this side of me that I lost

as is, I'm not complete
and it's not because life at home changed
or that I don't have a someone to "call my own"
or that I am lonely or self-pitying myself

somewhere along the way

I forgot that me was all of the above

emotionally taxing days and nights in the classroom are not

but the rest

is

I'm just now finally ready to admit it

and it feels good

:)

mixed feelings

Apartment Bliss!!, originally uploaded by perkyNbLue.

Facebook... you're a sneaky bastard who has changed social etiquette for the worst.

I may be done with you.

I haven't decided.

We'll see.


As for now, I'm going to be thankful for good friends who reach out even when they're far away, the text messages, the phone calls, the ADORABLE baby animal pictures, the private messages, the unconditional love...

Anyone would be lucky to have my friends!

Who knew how much missing your friends could affect you.. I feel so full of bliss right now!

:)

side note: you should all read 21 Secrets for Your 20s

a weekend with friends

I had a nice, relaxing weekend with friends. Thanks, guys., originally uploaded by perkyNbLue.

So David was out of town again this weekend. I kind of wanted to stay in Friday night and relax as I did last week, but was easily convinced to go and meet up with Lily in the Haight for wings (at Wing Wings) and the Art Walk. Kyle and Stu met up with us and as the others perused the art, Kyle and I lindy hopped along to the music playing on nearly every corner! The night ended at the Public House with Dustin and his housemates, where we chatted, drank, and snacked on fruit and nuts.

The next day I had Rachael and Cat over to get some girl hangout time. We chatted, played Bananagrams, walked to the coffee shop for lunch, watched My Little Pony, and got some much-needed chill time. The girls went out to the Shades Prom and I got my alone time that evening.

Cat arrived back just after I dozed off, so when we awoke, we got ready for the day, and walked down to the Fog Lifter Cafe again to get coffee and a bite to eat. It's so nice to have Cat living so close now. I sincerely appreciate how much time I've been able to make for her and I look forward to tomorrow night's dinner as well! :D

After Cat left, I braided my hair and watched shows before I put on some ambient music and danced to my heart's content. I'm more in touch with myself than I have been in a very long time and it's incredibly freeing. I'm so thankful!

words with friends

The best game EVER invented!!, originally uploaded by perkyNbLue.

Things to be aware of:

I spent the month of May traveling all over Italy with my good friend, Amanda. It was difficult and stressful at times, but I wouldn't give up a second of it! I grew and learned so much while I was away that I struggle at times to get my mind off of it. If you haven't traveled out of the US yet, I highly encourage you to find a way to make it happen! Your life will feel out of whack and the things around you might not always seem logical or fair and you will have to discover new ways to cope. You'll lose yourself and find yourself at the same time and you'll find new friends along the way if you allow yourself to (I love you, Emma!!)! It's something you'll keep with you forever and I'm so thankful Amanda was so patient to see it through with me. I don't know if I'll ever travel back to Italy, but if I again get the chance to travel, I'd take it at a moments notice. There's just nothing like it.


Things that are happening now:

As I write this, it's sinking in that I only have about three more hours of freedom left. The past four days have been amazingly eye-opening and reassuring.

I will soon have an apartment to myself and as long as I can continue to pay the rent and utilities, I'm stoked! I should have realized from my trip to Italy how liberating it is to have time to yourself but over time, it escaped me.

With time to myself, I can relax without judgement, dance without a care, and sing at the top of my lungs just because I want to! It's not that I was restricted from this behavior before, but it never even entered my mind that I had shut out a huge part of myself over the process of living with another person.

Thursday night, Cat and I taught a wonderful class at South Bay Fusion and we came home with time for me to decompress before bed. I went to work (yes, I have a new job - for three weeks now!) and came home Friday only to spend the entire evening alone, relaxing, watching tv, dancing, singing, "pinning," but, unfortunately, not sleeping.

Even without much more than four or five hours of sleep, I trekked over to Cat's place in Oakland and spend the day with her. We explored. I bought new jeans. We drank smoothies. And came home to watch chick flicks, cook Mexican food for dinner, and drink. It was glorious... until I fell fast asleep due to sleep-withdrawal.

This morning we took a stroll, had brunch at a pub, then played Bananagrams and drank coffee at Peet's. It is a wonderfully addictive game that I can hardly wait to play again! The photo at the top is the game I played by myself as Cat took a shower just before we parted ways.

I'm excited for this new chapter in my life. It'll be interesting and fun to live on my own. The thought of getting to redesign and redecorate the place is always intriguing.

I hope to reflect more, write more, and connect more with those around me. Let me know if you'd also like to commit a night a week (or every other week or once a month) to come over and help me cook, watch a movie, and/or talk over a couple glasses or wine. I'd love to have you over and hear about how you've been recently. Consider this an official invite into my life in a much bigger way. You're all important to me!

numbness

Untitled, originally uploaded by Gaby J Photography.

Too much has changed to really try to break down each and every detail.

The things to know:
I had my dream job.
I found it to impossible to balace work & life.
It broke my spirit.
I resigned.
I am now unemployed.

One thing I'm sure of:
I want to travel.

Things I have no plan for:
What kind of job to apply for.
Where I'll be living next year.
Whether I can situate my life enough to travel.

My next steps:
Go dancing at Shades.