random musings...
leaving was hard
staying for them was much harder
I broke
teaching failed me
again
I was angry
dismissed the thought of going back
it frustrated me to hear "when will you return?"
something I never wanted
I had other interests
other passions
I'd be fine
but what you forget is that to teach you must change
you're no longer living for yourself
you wake up thinking about someone else's child
how you can appeal to their desires
their interests
their passions
and they became my passion
and it hurt to be told that I was bad for them
that I wasn't doing enough
that I should've been doing more
because I gave them everything
my enthusiasm, my joy
my hugs, my high fives
my songs, my dancing
my early mornings, my sleep
my social life, my sanity
my love
and they returned it
and now
they're growing up
they have new teachers
new friends
new classrooms
and I
new adventures abroad
a new job
new living arrangements
new friends, as well as some old
a new appreciation for wine
and new haircut
but I don't feel entirely new
some mornings
before my eyes have opened
I think about how O is doing in Kinder for the second time
or how S is making friends
how I wish I could have had another lunch with C
or spent all day with my fourth period, first grade
students aside, I wish I could
geek out about math games
about children's lit
perform skits and poems for no reason but to excite and entertain
sing anthems at the top of my lungs and not be the loudest one, but not because I'm not trying
my favorite part about teaching, however
knowing that at anytime, for any reason
someone was thinking about me
maybe because of the hw assigned
or because they wanted more attention in class
or, and this was always my favorite, because they just loved math, learning, or the thought of school
I love
art
music
dance
friends
photography
deep conversations
but it's not enough
I want to
geek out about math games
about children's lit
perform skits and poems for no reason but to excite and entertain
sing anthems at the top of my lungs and not be the loudest one, but not because I'm not trying
to find some way to tap back into this side of me that I lost
as is, I'm not complete
and it's not because life at home changed
or that I don't have a someone to "call my own"
or that I am lonely or self-pitying myself
somewhere along the way
I forgot that me was all of the above
emotionally taxing days and nights in the classroom are not
but the rest
is
I'm just now finally ready to admit it
and it feels good
:)
11.02.2012
leaving the classroom
9.25.2012
mixed feelings
Facebook... you're a sneaky bastard who has changed social etiquette for the worst.
I may be done with you.
I haven't decided.
We'll see.
As for now, I'm going to be thankful for good friends who reach out even when they're far away, the text messages, the phone calls, the ADORABLE baby animal pictures, the private messages, the unconditional love...
Anyone would be lucky to have my friends!
Who knew how much missing your friends could affect you.. I feel so full of bliss right now!
:)
side note: you should all read 21 Secrets for Your 20s
8.05.2012
a weekend with friends
So David was out of town again this weekend. I kind of wanted to stay in Friday night and relax as I did last week, but was easily convinced to go and meet up with Lily in the Haight for wings (at Wing Wings) and the Art Walk. Kyle and Stu met up with us and as the others perused the art, Kyle and I lindy hopped along to the music playing on nearly every corner! The night ended at the Public House with Dustin and his housemates, where we chatted, drank, and snacked on fruit and nuts.
The next day I had Rachael and Cat over to get some girl hangout time. We chatted, played Bananagrams, walked to the coffee shop for lunch, watched My Little Pony, and got some much-needed chill time. The girls went out to the Shades Prom and I got my alone time that evening.
Cat arrived back just after I dozed off, so when we awoke, we got ready for the day, and walked down to the Fog Lifter Cafe again to get coffee and a bite to eat. It's so nice to have Cat living so close now. I sincerely appreciate how much time I've been able to make for her and I look forward to tomorrow night's dinner as well! :D
After Cat left, I braided my hair and watched shows before I put on some ambient music and danced to my heart's content. I'm more in touch with myself than I have been in a very long time and it's incredibly freeing. I'm so thankful!
7.29.2012
words with friends
Things to be aware of:
I spent the month of May traveling all over Italy with my good friend, Amanda. It was difficult and stressful at times, but I wouldn't give up a second of it! I grew and learned so much while I was away that I struggle at times to get my mind off of it. If you haven't traveled out of the US yet, I highly encourage you to find a way to make it happen! Your life will feel out of whack and the things around you might not always seem logical or fair and you will have to discover new ways to cope. You'll lose yourself and find yourself at the same time and you'll find new friends along the way if you allow yourself to (I love you, Emma!!)! It's something you'll keep with you forever and I'm so thankful Amanda was so patient to see it through with me. I don't know if I'll ever travel back to Italy, but if I again get the chance to travel, I'd take it at a moments notice. There's just nothing like it.
Things that are happening now:
As I write this, it's sinking in that I only have about three more hours of freedom left. The past four days have been amazingly eye-opening and reassuring.
I will soon have an apartment to myself and as long as I can continue to pay the rent and utilities, I'm stoked! I should have realized from my trip to Italy how liberating it is to have time to yourself but over time, it escaped me.
With time to myself, I can relax without judgement, dance without a care, and sing at the top of my lungs just because I want to! It's not that I was restricted from this behavior before, but it never even entered my mind that I had shut out a huge part of myself over the process of living with another person.
Thursday night, Cat and I taught a wonderful class at South Bay Fusion and we came home with time for me to decompress before bed. I went to work (yes, I have a new job - for three weeks now!) and came home Friday only to spend the entire evening alone, relaxing, watching tv, dancing, singing, "pinning," but, unfortunately, not sleeping.
Even without much more than four or five hours of sleep, I trekked over to Cat's place in Oakland and spend the day with her. We explored. I bought new jeans. We drank smoothies. And came home to watch chick flicks, cook Mexican food for dinner, and drink. It was glorious... until I fell fast asleep due to sleep-withdrawal.
This morning we took a stroll, had brunch at a pub, then played Bananagrams and drank coffee at Peet's. It is a wonderfully addictive game that I can hardly wait to play again! The photo at the top is the game I played by myself as Cat took a shower just before we parted ways.
I'm excited for this new chapter in my life. It'll be interesting and fun to live on my own. The thought of getting to redesign and redecorate the place is always intriguing.
I hope to reflect more, write more, and connect more with those around me. Let me know if you'd also like to commit a night a week (or every other week or once a month) to come over and help me cook, watch a movie, and/or talk over a couple glasses or wine. I'd love to have you over and hear about how you've been recently. Consider this an official invite into my life in a much bigger way. You're all important to me!
1.23.2012
numbness
Too much has changed to really try to break down each and every detail.
The things to know:
I had my dream job.
I found it to impossible to balace work & life.
It broke my spirit.
I resigned.
I am now unemployed.
One thing I'm sure of:
I want to travel.
Things I have no plan for:
What kind of job to apply for.
Where I'll be living next year.
Whether I can situate my life enough to travel.
My next steps:
Go dancing at Shades.
3.31.2011
big, huge wonderful news
So I found out a while ago and never posted about it, but I suppose it's about time I get around to it...
I WILL BE A ROCKETEACHER NEXT YEAR!!
Not only that, but today David and I found out that we will also be moving into our own apartment next Tuesday! WHAT!?! I know. I am awful for letting this information get lost in the shuffle. We just found out that we were approved for the apartment today, so it's a little higher on my excitement list than next year.
Still I can't wait to plan and prep for my kiddies next year! I will be teaching math (probably 1st or 2nd grade). Yay!!
2.09.2011
news day: children are amazing
This amazing girl seized MLK Day as an opportunity to bring awareness to the next great movement that our country should focus on. She had the courage to speak about who she is and the initial feelings she had towards that realization. It's beautiful. Check it out for yourself.
As for today... Wow. I guess I'm doing the right things (or in the right place and avoiding the wrong things), since my schedule at work seems to grow and grow in complexity. I start teaching Kinder Literacy on Monday and tomorrow (the final school day before then), I will be teaching the second session of third-grade Lit. I've never had to be so quick on my feet before this year... It's invigorating. A little tiring, but invigorating none-the-less.
2.08.2011
coolest google feature ever
By now you might have already heard the buzz circulating around the web over the latest release from Google - Google Art Project. With Google Art Project you can virtually visit a selection of some of the world's finest museums and explore a range of their noteworthy art pieces.The quality of the art piece images are incredible and well worth your time. After being told by THREE different blogs, I finally made my way over and checked it out. You should do the same!
[via Creature Comforts]
p.s. Tonight's dinner with the family (for Eric's birthday) was FAR from perfect and although pleasant at times, left me feeling incredibly frustrated. I've never gotten in such a heated argument with someone over something that I actually feel qualified to discuss and with someone who had no intentions to listen to another side. Irritating.
2.07.2011
stayed home to care for Dave
No dancing tonight. Instead I stayed home to be here for/with David. He didn't sleep last night and I'm already nodding off. We're an adorable couple. Heh.
p.s. David made Hot Toddies and it may be a main contributor to my sleepiness. We'll see...
p.p.s. Teaching Kinder went fairly well today. I hope it only goes up from here!
2.06.2011
you mustache been mistaken
So it's time for the Superbowl and in the spirit of this wonderful day, I have two videos for you. The first is a commercial for this year's Superbowl and the second is a lovely gem from 2007. My sides hurt while watching it, so I hope you find it just as thrilling!!
[via Holiday Matinee]
[via Pop-Ology]
SOOOOOOOO worth it, right?!
2.05.2011
comida: for the love of bacon
I couldn't choose just any photo off flickr for this. I had to get the real thing from Oh Joy's blog. I mean, do you blame me?!
So here is bacon... Get ready for it...
bacon recipes:
Brown Butter Bacon Chocolate Chip Cookies
Candied Bacon Fudge
Bacon and Egg Toast Cups
Bacon Jam
Sideline Smokies
Bacon Wrapped Dates
Bacon Wrapped Meatloaf
Squash Stuffed w/Bread, Cheese & Bacon
Peanut Butter Bacon Cups
2.04.2011
music: she & him's don't look back
Need a feel-good song from a feel-good band? Look no further. I may blog more of their tunes in the future, but here is their latest music video!
My day, you ask? Not much happened. Drove David to the airport and proceded to watch old tv shows and sleep for the majority of the day. Yay me!
2.03.2011
taking a day off from rocketship
It's time for the Chinese New Year.
It's a furlough day.
And it's parent/teacher conference time at Rocketship.
So I spent the day at home with David. I wasn't called in to work so we had plenty of time to goof off and relax. He's off to Albuquerque tomorrow, so I'm glad we had today!
[side note: I guess I creeped you afterall, David. Oops.]
2.02.2011
news day: i was born this way
Over at the blog Born This Way a proud gay Angeleno, identified only as Paul V., publishes childhood photos and stories from gay and lesbian adults. Many of the photos feature young kids innocently flouting heteronormative gender expectations with total abandon.
But interspersed among them are pictures of children that give no hint about their eventual sexual identity. As Paul explains:
some of the pix here feature gay boys with feminine traits, and some gay girls with masculine traits. And even more gay kids with NONE of those traits. Just like real life, these gay kids come in all shades and layers of masculine and feminine.
The point of the project, for Paul, is reflecting the truth of growing up with a different orientation and, hopefully, showing today's gay youth that others have had the same experience.
[via GOOD]
2.01.2011
learn to love your curves
I was much more fit this time last year. It gets a bit overwhelming at times when I see photos or videos. I need to be a bit more accepting of myself, until I find a way to dance even half as much as I used to. I know it's the biggest factor of the weight gain. The amount of food I eat is also a factor... I guess. Heh. I'll work on it.
1.31.2011
dancing just isn't enough
Ever get the overwhelming urge to just read or work while out dancing? It was weird, especially since it was a fairly good night of dancing. Either way, I danced some, avoided the book, and made it home early enough for a shower. Success.
1.30.2011
five cheese ravioli w/ vodka sauce
David and I decided on a dinner a bit different than expected due to the lack of butternut squash ravioli, which was a bummer. However I still managed to make us five cheese ravioli in a vodka sauce with spinach and parmesan. It was quite delicious and it took little to no effort at all since everything was practically pre-made. Oh well... I will get to practice my cooking skills again in two weeks. Maybe I'll be inspired to branch out from the ravioli pasta next time!
1.29.2011
food postponed until tomorrow
So I was supposed to cook for David Friday, but then an event came up. I was going to cook for him tonight instead, but it is postponed again, until tomorrow. Therefore that post will come then.
Tonight's dancing was incredible! The Rent Party was phenomenal and I know that it had a lot to do with the SLO dancers coming up, but it still inspired me. For what? Well to go out dancing on Saturdays more often. It's a great venue that allows for lindy and blues, which is helpful on those slower nights. I need to be more intentional with my dancing. Maybe this will help.
Also... coat racks. I realized tonight that they are completely foreign to me. You don't need them in San Diego, so I always end up wadding my jacket and purse together under a chair as I go out to dance. Then at the end of the night, David cruises over to the coat rack to retrieve his nicely hung coat as I shake mine out and pull it on. It's a bit silly, but I need to learn how to be a San Franciscan!
1.28.2011
music: jack johnson's to the sea
I've been listening to this album all week. It's relaxing but pleasantly upbeat, which is nice since the Sunrise album from last week was a bit too relaxing for safety reasons.
I went to the Rocketship appreciation event this evening and had a blast. I truly love being surrounded by Rocketship people, who are all fighting for the same things and doing so with a passion and focus unlike most other places. **swoon**
1.27.2011
i'm a very lucky girl
I've had a string of pretty bad days and I am so lucky that I get to come home to a really great boyfriend. When I get home from school, he stops as soon as he can and comforts me, cheers me up, and inspires me to keep plugging away. I'd like to say that I'm strong on my own, but I think it's okay that I have a support team with David leading.
Thanks, babe.