'Bring on the evening hours,' I cry.
'Bring on the evidence of my life.'
Let it go,
Let it go from here...
I don't know.
Let it go,
Let it go from here...
I don't know,
Don't know.I have been feeling so broken lately. Completely burdened by the world around me, the "woulds," "coulds," and "should-have-beens." I feel, for the first time in SUCH a long time, a sort of peace that only comes from God's truth. I am so incredibly thankful for the amazing people in my community group and the great volumes that God spoke in and through them tonight. I, in no way, could have found my way back to Him on my own and the brokenness that I have been consumed with has become a portal back to the trust I used to experience each day. So through this, I recognize the lack of trust and dependance that I have in Him lately and ironically, can now feel that faith and dependance returning.
What hurts more than just dying,
Is living, barely alive.
After all, it's easier than falling short every time.
I felt the pain and set fire
To the grace that I so desperately needed to take.
Day and night, frozen silent in blinding violent fear,
A song for my fight
Comes spilling, the words I so desperately needed to hear.
Do you know this song's for you?
My heart goes out to hurt you feel inside...
Do you know this song's for you?
My heart goes out to hurt you feel.
I was brought up through the ashes,
Like a phoenix birthing wings.
And I will fight for my disasters.
I will take the flight of kings.My life is already planned out for me and I am not the planner. How many times can I say this to myself before I actually stop and listen. My own stubbornness is one of the most frustrating things in my life. And that may never change for me, but I have faith that God has provided me with essential tools to make this easier. I may at times forget about it, but community and friendship is key for me. And more than just showing up. For the past year, that's what I've been doing, merely showing up.
I'm here. I'm breathing. I'm ready to socialize.
But this is not the case. This is actually the reason I have grown uncomfortable with crowds of people. I am forced to put on an act of confidence, put-togetherness, and ease, all of which, I am seriously lacking. The truth is that I am completely uneasy with my lack of organization, so much so that I have become uneasy, thus minimizing the confidence I still have. Although I have God and have learned so much about and from Him, I have forgotten what it means to be child-like, in the moment, a person who can just be, with being right and in-the-know.
It's hard still, because with each step I take towards knowing and experiencing God again, I think about the possible ways that might bring back the relationship that just ended. I do not want to deny myself those feelings (especially so, since I cannot change them easily), but I want to feel a greater need for God than him or anything else.
I have been childish lately. I have satisfied the "needs" that I felt and found ways to avoid any sort of adult behavior. Watching tv, playing online, getting fast food, playing the victim. At times, these may have been valid coping methods, but at this point, I cannot ignore them or pass them off as anything but selfish and foolish. I need to grow up, whether or not I know of the outcome. I cannot continue to live fearing what might or might not come to be. I want to live God's will for my life and right now, that requires me to do homework, do laundry, do dishes, dance to make someone else's night better, practice music that we learn in practice, calculate my bills and determine a needed income, and applying for jobs to fulfill that need.
I need to stop feeling sorry for myself and start experiencing what it means to be living, in the world, and making a difference. I want to go to the beach, feel the sea breeze, dance in the moonlight, talk with friends, travel to Seattle, create art, and relay God's light and His message to those around me. Starting now.
Thank you for showing me the way back to You!!
Dana, originally uploaded by perkyNbLue.
