WARNING: Please, do not read this and project it onto yourself. This is really a blog meant for me... to heal. I am really hurting and just need to share, even if no one understands. I understand that my situations are not that bad, but with my perspective and my expectations, they feel that bad. Don't comment with things saying that I could have it worse. Doesn't help. Moving on...I slack and I make excuses and I avoid at all costs the responsibility of homework. I would do ANYTHING to keep myself distracted from actually getting work done. I don't need to be told how bad that is... I've experienced how bad it is. I've been stressed. I've cried myself to sleep. I've forfeited sleep. I've skipped huge assignments. I've missed exams. I've accumulated a great amount of reasons to never do this to myself again or allow anyone else to do it with their work. However, the cycle continues.
All this aside, it still perturbs me that I do this. Not because I get stressed, sad, or tired... but because I completely discredit myself of excelling in school. This does not mean that I do poorly in school. I don't. But sometimes I feel as if I should. And if I did do worse more often, I think I might actually learn a lesson or two from my irresponsibility. But who can seriously turn in a half-assed test, a half-finished project, or a completely fabricated homework assignment, and honestly want the grade that they expect to see.
I guess that's where the problem comes in. I don't completely expect that grade. I think it fair that I receive some of those bad grades because other people have worked harder and for more hours, but honestly, I don't expect to see low grades (unless I'm in history class or biology class). So when I get a test back that I didn't study for at all and actually see a bad grade, it's still traumatizing. And yes, I'm dramatic. But really, who doesn't get that sinking end-of-the-world feeling when they see a fat "D-" on a test?!
I haven't received any grades like that... THIS semester. Quite the contrary on work that I deem unworthy of even
grading I've received A's and passed huge exams that I have completely neglected to buy study materials for. These are things that most would usually feel good about. I can't. Maybe I can't because, deep down, I still expected those A's. Or maybe I can't because I cannot fathom the thought of failing. The latter seems to me the most likely.
If that's true (that I am unable to accept a bad grade), how do I set out to get so much work done in a short amount of time. I can half-ass a test, but I can't do the same with an assignment at home. I care about each little STUPID detail and how that detail might influence the rest of the work. This thing that has helped me accomplish so much is the biggest freaking hindrance in my life right now. I'm sick of it and it discourages me from getting any work done at all. I need to get over it.
I just don't think I could listen to another person telling me that.
Gems:having a job
deciding on an outreach
long talks over food
making the most of a no-dance night
writing a real blog
Day Fifty; 02.19.08; Mail Me!, originally uploaded by emma;duh.
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