jonah lived inside of a whale

Laura, originally uploaded by perkyNbLue.

_{Still I don't know much,
but I know about love and how it hurts me to give up
It hurts me to give up}
Sometimes, what you really need is to say everything that you feel and know about a situation to another person. Not to get their opinion, but to finally hear and listen to your own.

_{Why do we always say we're fine,
when it's obviously we're lying?
Why don't we ever tell the truth,
what do we got to lose?}
It's hard to be up front and frank about how I'm feeling, because it's just not good. I don't feel good. I hate it when people ask and then wait for you to actually answer. I'm just silent now. It's better than lying... or telling the truth.

_{Head under water
And you tell me
To breathe easy for awhile
The breathing gets harder
Even I know that}
I have been living in the "what if..?" and the "if only..." long enough. I need to be completely frank with myself and say that this life is hard. It sucks. I don't want it... but it's what I have. From here, I need to forge a new path and create a new plan... one completely led by God.

_{Blank stares at blank pages
No easy way to say this
You mean well, but you make this hard on me}
I want to hold onto aspects of the relationship that can be helpful to me, but each moment and word I give to him is another part of me that I'm losing. I had my chance to move on and didn't, so it's going to be a bit more difficult right now, but ultimately easier on me than the constant attempt to keep what is no longer.

_{I learnt the hard way
That they all say
Things you wanna hear.
My heavy heart sinks deep down under
You and your twisted words.
Your help just hurts.
You are not what I thought you were.
Hello to high and dry.}
It isn't going to be anything like it was before and I can't make compromises to accommodate someone else, when it's something that can potentially hurt me so badly. It may not make sense to him, but that doesn't need to be my concern. I grew tremendously before we met and regressed in many ways since then. I will someday find a man who will bring me closer to the Lord, thus bringing the two of us closer as well. Until then, I will focus on the things that I can do to refocus, recommit, and reconnect.

_{If your heart is nowhere in it
I don't want it for a minute
Babe, I walk the seven seas
When I believe that there's a reason}

^blessings
finishing the dry eye study [getting paid soon]
booked an audition
tierrasanta community group
tacos and sweets
deep conversations with Abby

it isn't time for christmas yet

Christmas beauty Santa Claus, originally uploaded by igor.shmel.

I think I might audition for the Tradition of Christmas this year. The auditions are at the end of the week and I think it would be an incredible experience to have while I still can. I don't know how much longer I will be living here or if I will ever have the time for it again. I might as well jump on it while I can! LoL.

Now, what should I sing?


^blessings
waking up after a long night of hw
getting the car in the shop
receiving a fairly nice rental [although it smells like butt]
running into and catching up with Rea
finding a friend in the exact same place as I

wish i could stay in bed all day

untitled...day 62 / year 2, originally uploaded by TeeRish.

Not that today was a bad day or because there was anything to avoid really. I am just exhausted from all the unbridled thoughts running through my head constantly. I have some homework to do. I have a book to read. I have potential dancing I can be a part of. Why can't I seem to build up the necessary motivation or energy for any of it? How deep is this rut?


_{... back to my roots ...}

^blessings
resisting the temptation to stay in bed
communion during service
seeing Cassidy at church
getting caught up on my shows
starting up the 5-a-day, again

melting hot chocolate in my <3

melting hot chocolate in the hearts, originally uploaded by bananagranola.

We celebrated Daddy's birthday today.

With steak, potatoes, garlic bread, veggies, and cake!
... yes, Big, you missed out on steak!! ...
It was wonderful.
My mom cooked dinner quite well.

I am looking forward to church tomorrow.
I miss church. :)

blues dancing is new @ the jam

sdlx05_51, originally uploaded by sassyswingsister.

I saw the sorority tonight,
Caught up with old friends,
Went dancing at the Jam,
and tried out their new blues room.

It was fun...
but I miss Seattle's scene.

baby hands and baby smiles

Faith Like A Child, originally uploaded by lynette-marie.

I babysat for five hours
and earned a fifth
of the money that I owe
the collision center.

It was gross.
Projectile vomit,
NASTY poop diaper,
and lots and lots of crying.

BUT I loved it!!

I'm glad I got work.

Now I need to go wash
the nasty out of my clothes!

so many lemons... no lemonade

new lemon leg, originally uploaded by nat rex.

Someone get me a recipe for lemonade, quick!!

I have to get body work on my car now, because I got a big dent in the side of it this afternoon. Things are just not going too well for me. On the upside, I'm not hurt, no one else is hurt, and I'm going to see the sorority tonight!! :D

And then dance.
Now, laundry, then shower.

i want Your path to be my path

Luke's tattoo., originally uploaded by becaboo.

Trust
in
the
LORD
with
all
your
heart
and
lean
not
on
your
own
understanding;

in
all
your
ways
acknowledge
him,
and
he
will
make
your
paths
straight.

what is it that i'm waiting for?

waiting... (001/365), originally uploaded by Katherine Elizabeth.

_{[ an old poem remixed for class ]}


Lonely Nomad

I pack my goodbyes in suitcases and boxes
Never thinking to unpack when I’ve left

My goodbyes just sit and wait
Photos of old friends and lovers
Class rings, shot glasses, favors from weddings
Ants gnaw at their corners
And the dust piles grow

I shuffle through lost memories
Finding cold and lifeless eyes staring back
My goodbyes are not present
They have escaped without my knowing

Yet again I pack
For a new home and a new life

It's a long road and I’m nowhere near its end
I try to wave goodbye as I drive away
And, I suppose, a part of me will

But not the part that knows.

i'm not afraid to keep on living

i am not afraid to keep on living, originally uploaded by L`Beat.

Even though I'm unsure how it will be done.



p.s. Glad you're down from the Bay, Big! :)

like a tree, i am provided for

Tree of Life, originally uploaded by SemicharmedLife (out shooting, catch up later).

Even in the hardest times, when you least expect it from Him, Jesus is there. I'm not saying that it's the best of circumstances, but I feel better. I feel stronger. I feel like I understand more. And that's enough for now. I applied for yet another job today and I'm trying to read my book... It's difficult. All I want to do is sleep.

Lindy by the Bay tonight.
Good stuff.

the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness & self-control

[89/366] Fruit of the Spirit., originally uploaded by perkyNbLue.

I'm in an amazing relationship with my Savior. If I start a relationship with another man, he will be of quality, constantly pursuing a relationship with me, & challenging me to grow in my faith. I need a man who will encourage me & comfort me when I need it most. I don't need a man for me to be encouraged to rise above the obstacles that I encounter from day to day. God's moving in my life, even if I can't feel Him.

This in no way makes things easier to deal right now.
I miss my friends. I miss having an escape to go to.
I miss loving him without feeling guilty.
I miss his smile, laugh, touch.
I miss the feeling comforted.
I miss hugs.
Yeah, I miss hugs.

btw, I really want that tree as a tattoo.
I miss it. :(

i feel like crawling into a hole

IMGL7986, originally uploaded by heidi ross picture show.

Something always brings me back to you.
It never takes too long.
No matter what I say or do,
I'll still feel you here 'til the moment I'm gone.

You hold me without touch.
You keep me without chains.
I never wanted anything so much
Than to drown in your love and not feel your reign.

Set me free, leave me be.
I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity.
Here I am and I stand so tall,
Just the way I'm supposed to be.
But you're onto me and all over me.

You loved me 'cause I'm fragile.
When I thought that I was strong.
But you touch me for a little while
And all my fragile strength is gone.

Set me free, leave me be.
I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity.
Here I am and I stand so tall,
Just the way I'm supposed to be.
But you're onto me and all over me.

I live here on my knees,
As I try to make you see
That you're everything I think I need,
Here on the ground.
But you're neither friend nor foe,
Though I can't seem to let you go.
The one thing that I still know,
is that you're keeping me...
Down.

Keeping me down, yeah.
You're onto me,
Onto me,
And all over.

Something always brings me back to you.
It never takes too long.

i can't put this book down now

10 Design Ideas to Steal from the New IKEA Catalog, by apartmenttherapy.

I am so excited about my job interview tomorrow. Whether it is meant to be or not, it's really exciting that they found me and contacted me because they want me to be a part of the team rather than me applying randomly for the position. Now I just need to figure out what I am going to wear tomorrow to the interview. Whew!

Dancing tonight...
Didn't end up going last night.

p.s. I need to do some designing, whether in my room or on canvas. Maybe I can sell some artwork or photography.

p.p.s. I also need to figure out what I missed in my History of Math Class and write a poem using repetition for my Creative Writing class. Great classes so far... I'm even enjoying the task of reading sci-fi! A Canticle for Leibowitz... Check out the post-apocolyptic writings of Walter M. Miller, Jr. ;)

white breakfast, originally uploaded by marla_sea.

I didn't really eat all white foods today, but I feel like I have.

I'm feeling a bit blah today.
Good.
But blah.

I submitted an application to the Apple Store and received an email about a receptionist job saying that the job was filled and another asking for my phone number, so they can get in contact with me about a potential financial job with Primerica. I didn't think I'd be qualified enough for any of those jobs and I may not be, but it's still exciting. :)

Now I need to focus on what I am eating for dinner and get ready to go dancing tonight... I just can't stay in to read tonight. :\

i'm thinking it all through now

think wall, originally uploaded by williamdohman.

So it has been said that men connect to women through physical intimacy, which leads to emotional intimacy, and women must be emotionally intimate in order to be physically intimate. For this very reason, I will reinstate my ideals. I am not going to be spending any excessive time with any man that I am not dating and certainly not spend time with him one-on-one. So that's my "plan" (I've really grown to hate that word). I don't want to care about the reasons that got me to the place that I am now, but I just pray that it fades over time. In the meantime, I'm done helping, serving, or being there for men that are not invested in me emotionally... "friends" or not.

It is what makes sense to me.
It is what God calls for my life and my well-being.
I am now taking care of me.

laura jansen sings "single girls"

Laura Jansen, originally uploaded by heidi ross picture show.

I think you'd like my new hair
I cut it when you weren't there
and pieces of us everywhere
were falling down

My bed is now a girl's bed
Pink flowers under my head
and pillows on your side instead
of you

'Cause that's what single girls do
don't think about you

I'm reading books on meditation
Praying for my heart's salvation
I've got the motivation
to be a free girl now

I've gone drinking with the guy down the hall
put up a new color on my bare walls
I'm so damn busy
after all

'Cause that's what single girls do
don't think about you

I keep trying
I keep trying
to make my way back to the light where I belong
But God keeps lying
God keeps lying
saying this is for the best and nothing here is wrong

But I'm still thinking bout
I'm still thinking bout
I'm still thinking about you

I think you'd like my new hair
I cut it like I didn't care
the pieces of me everywhere
were falling down

One more glass of wine
before I turn off the lights
this time I'll be fine
I'll be fine
I'll be fine

he loves me, he loves me not

He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not, originally uploaded by NixieMichelle.

I've been wrestling with this a lot as I'm sure many of you know.

I ended up talking with Greg on the phone last night, pissed at first, and I think I finally understand everything that has happened in the last two weeks. I am of course sad to lose my boyfriend, but now that I better understand where he was coming from, I am glad it happened.

It woke me up from the survival persona that took over during the credential program. I haven't been myself and everything I was had been drained out of me. I didn't realize that Greg was suffering in a similar way and now that I know and understand, I'm content to reevaluate my rules and restrictions on dating and friendship.

I no longer believe that it was a good idea to "date with intentions"
(it put my focus on the future rather than the present)
I want to try to be friends with people in general
(guys and girls, which does not mean I want to spend one-on-one time with any boys)

I may not have all of the answers, but this is my "plan"
My plans are all tentative from now-on.

TO-DO:
1. Begin and end your day with yoga.
2. Replace the crazy messages with meditations.
3. Dig out the self-help books.
4. Add essences to your water...and wrists...and temples.
5. Shed some skin with a micro-dermabrasion and peel.
6. Soak it up in the tub.
7. Let it out.
8. Get a massage.
9. Pound it out.
10. Crank up the tunes.
11. Put the conversation off.
12. Make plans with friends. Lots and lots of plans.
_{I taken a lot of steps already.}

the lindy days are now upon us

sdlx05_91, originally uploaded by sassyswingsister.

Before you know it... SDLX will be the next hottest event... again! ;)

many words filling many worlds

Anne of Green Gables, originally uploaded by snugglemuffin.

I'm not ready yet.
So don't ask.

On the other hand...
Just found out that I'm breaking procedure.
It was never intended that I be able to take more classes.
Apparently, I needed to reapply to get into the grad program and take classes, but they never put on the restriction for the Accel students. So I have already paid and enrolled and they can't do anything about that. They have, however, informed me that I will not be able to register for classes in the spring with applying again. LoL.

So I'm taking Statistics, the History of Math, Introduction to Creative Writing, and a Science Fiction course. I'm actually excited to be taking these classes. A lot of numbers that I can dive into and books I must devour. I don't know if I'm ready, but I'm eager.

What three words describe you?
hopeful, passionate, planner
What animal do you identify with?
a snow leopard
Describe your first kiss in three words.
innocent, sloppy, sweet
Who is your constant?
Lauren
What would you sacrifice to stay alive?
my eyesight
What makes you cry?
heartache
You just stole a sick child's toy. Why?
the toy was harmful to the health of the child
_{[test from Lost]}