what can i call myself now?

Silence speaks for an empty Heart, originally uploaded by Elsa Prinsessa.

Change is bewildering
Don't know who I am
I am enjoying it though
Just doesn't seem right
I feel like I've been waiting
Always waiting
I often forget to live
I finally feel like I can
I'm unsure of what forced the change
I may resent Him
I may simply doubt His power
It's difficult to put that into writing actually
I resent myself for feeling this way as well
I've always been hard on myself
For what reason?
*sigh*
I know the answers
Never doubted it in the past
It's just another step on my path...
In the meantime, I'll be reading A New Kind of Christian

<sub>"Don't accept that what's happening
Is just a case of others' suffering
Or you'll find that you're joining in
The turning away"

It's a sin that somehow
Light is changing to shadow
And casting it's shroud
Over all we have known

On the wings of the night
No more turning away
From the weak and the weary
No more turning away
From the coldness inside

Just a world that we all must share
It's not enough just to stand and stare
♫</sub>

could it be? yes, it could. :)

Short Ribs with Gremolata, originally uploaded by consumedithis.

Sitting here, eating my dad's Guinness-braised short ribs, I wonder how it is that I've come so far in life without pausing long enough to allow life to just take its course. It's not entirely unfathomable, really, when you take school into consideration. For twelve years, I attended school and for the most part, did exactly as I was told. When high school ended, I went to college. It wasn't a debate or something that I ever gave a second thought to. It was expected and I did as expected. I followed the rules. I have difficulty breaking rules.

I pursued teaching, when I was told that I could not pursue musical theatre. I was desperate for the stage, hungry for the freedom to express what I could not in the body I felt trapped inside (melodramatic? well, yes, I am a drama nerd). It was frustrating and it was painful and then, it was life. It became normal. Ignored. I'm sure this was the reason I became infatuated with lindy. There are only so many choir and theatre classes that you can take on the side, before the parents become suspicious of your academic intent.

Lindy was my outlet for performance. I don't know who I was performing for, but it felt great. Years passed and I fell deeper and deeper into the teacher persona that I had to fight so hard to take on. Now, dancing to perform was an afterthought and lindy lost its luster. It wasn't until the end of 2009, beginning of 2010, that I saw blues at its best. Raw, intimate, and real emotion expressed between two people. It was more than a performance, it was the embodiment of every saved lift, extended note, and exaggerated breath that I experienced during my time, cut short, on the stage. It was the life behind those performances and it was something I had to be a part of!

Now, each time I step onto the dance floor, I try to open myself up to my partner and to the music, allowing those emotions to return. The panic of opening night. The rush of adrenaline when the curtains open. The transcendent feeling you get once the music begins. No one else exists. Just you. Just you and your partner. And again, just you. I'm not hungry for it anymore. I have it. I love it. And I won't be giving it up for a long time.

It does make me wonder though... I'm often asked why I don't just teach dance. Maybe it's insecurity, thinking that I'm not ready for it. Maybe it's merely the lack of a dance partner. Or maybe my path has changed. I was never good at breaking rules and I've become quite used to following them. It's time for me to reevaluate and open myself up to new possibilities. New drives. New opportunities. New convictions. New loves. Same determination.

<sub>Purpose.
It's that little flame,
That lights a fire under your ass. Ha!

Purpose.
It keeps you going strong,
Like a car with a full tank of gas.

I don't know how I know,
But I'm gonna find my purpose.
I don't know where I'm gonna look,
But I'm gonna find my purpose.

Gotta find out.
Don't wanna wait.
Got to make sure that my life will be great.
Gotta find my purpose.
Before it's too late.

Could be far. Could be near.
Could take a week, a month, a year (maybe more).
At a job. Or smoking grass. Ha!
Maybe at a pottery class.
Could it be? Yes, it could.
Something's coming... Something good...!

I gotta find me!</sub>

come down and rock my boat

Pittstop 2007, originally uploaded by indoloony.

Last night's Blue Bella was insanely wonderful!
It felt so good to have such a successful blues/fusion event in SD.
It feels so good to be able to dance to the music I love most.
The class went well and I think our tips were received well,
so the rest of the night was full of deeper conversations,
passionate connections,
and soulful music (thanks to Jackie!).
I can't wait to dance with my friends from the Bay.
I was excited before, but now, I'm just eager to get there.
I can't wait for the end of Feb., mid-March, and May.
I'm ready to rock your boat! :)

<sub>now, I don't wanna, I don't wanna, I don't wanna
be there to shake your chain
be so vain
let my patience explain

I wanna make you laugh
scratch your back
I wanna hold up your arms
and make you feel like that
I wanna rock your boat
baby, I wanna let you know
something's come over me

something's come over me
that's all I'm going through
one more day, in this life
I'm so messed up over you</sub>

yes, you hold me without touch

Lauren & Emily, originally uploaded by Jeff.

I teach with Emily tonight.
It should be a really fun class...
As long as people show up.
It's always difficult with these events.
Very few seem to care about blues dancing.
I hope the class clears up misconceptions people have.
It doesn't have to be close.
Or sensual.
Or dirty.

It's just a little bit better when it goes there from time to time.
As music and my partner changes, so do I.
I wish dancing was less about how you looked to others...
More about the conversation you're having.
With your partner.
With the music.
With the energy that moves between the three.

That's where I'll be tonight.
Whether or not the class is a good turn-out.
I intend to connect and grow closer to friends tonight.
And I will do it through dance.
*sigh*
Enough hippy stuff.
I guess I should start my day.

<sub>Something always brings me back to you
It never takes too long
No matter what I say or do
I still feel you here, 'til the moment I'm gone

You hold me without touch
You keep me without chains
I never wanted anything so much
Than to drown in your love and not feel your rain

Set me free, leave me be
I don't wanna fall another moment into your gravity (not true)
Here I am and I stand so tall
I'm just the way I'm supposed to be
But you're onto me and all over me

You loved me 'cause I'm fragile
When I thought that I was strong
But you touch me for a little while
And all my fragile strength is gone</sub>

when your playin with desire

too, too smooth, originally uploaded by Laura Slotkoff.

I am now some sort of vampire-zombie.
My eyes have completely betrayed me, yet again.
Paler than normal.
Dark rings under my eyes.
And eyes that are COMPLETELY bloodshot red.
Merr.
I did stop by the family eye doctor.
Got a grab bag of different eye drops.
I will fight this thing hard.
I absolutely refuse to concede to...
Normal bedtime hours
Nights in, to avoid cigarette smoke,
Or time away from technology!

On that note... I should step away now.
*reluctantly backs away*

<sub>If there's lessons to be learned
I'd rather get my jamming words in first
So, tell you something that I've found
That the worlds a better place when it's upside down, boy.

If there's lessons to be learned
I'd rather get my jamming words in first
So, when your playing with desire
Don't come running to my place when it burns like fire, boy.

Sweet about me
Nothing sweet about me... yeah

Blue, blue, blue... waves they crash
As time goes by... so hard to catch.
Too, too smooth... ain't all that,
Why don't you ride... my side of the tracks?</sub>

i used to feel so uninspired

DSC_2436, originally uploaded by andihazelwood.

i'm too happy to write tonight...
i'd rather venture off into my dreamland. :)
.... i'll write this tomorrow ....

What a day... I have never had such mixed feelings in one day before. Really, it's not in a bad way at all. Just odd. I spent most of my day (when not sleeping or at work), with my ex, going over the class we took together, so I can teach that blues class on friday. We didn't fight once. Epic really. LoL.

About an hour into a review session, Emily called me and let me know that she could practice, so we zoomed over and he helped us both make sure that we were doing it right and then that we were ready to teach it. I'm excited for friday now and more understanding why it's easier for me to dance so close during blues. I need more upper body strength, if I want to create space. I won't worry too much about it for a while. :)

It was the Firehouse afterwards, where I ran into old friends, danced my heart out, and spent time hiding to relax every once in a while. I am a bit sore now, from the whips and lifts, but I'll heal.

Okay, that's my story.
I haven't really written in a while.
So I thought I'd take the time to share.

Random side note: I love texts. :)

<sub>Looking out on the morning rain
I used to feel so uninspired
And when I knew I had to face another day
Lord, it made me feel so tired
Before the day I met you, life was so unkind
But you're the key to my peace of mind

Cause you make me feel, you make me feel
You make me feel like a... natural woman

When my soul was in the lost-and-found
You came along to claim it
I didn't know just what was wrong with me
Till your kiss helped me name it
Now I'm no longer doubtful of what I'm living for
And if I make you happy I don't need to do more</sub>

leave this world for a while

fourtytwo., originally uploaded by atomic turquoise.

I feel really free.
Free of my usual stresses.
And free from the restrictions that have kept me bound.
I am so glad that my parents are being supportive.
I'm eager to explore new horizons.
New places, dances, people.
It hurts right now.
But without this pain, I'd still be waiting.
Waiting for my life to begin.
To unfold before me.
I am done waiting.
I'm awake.

<sub>she’s a good girl, loves her mama
loves Jesus and America too
she's a good girl, crazy ’bout Elvis
loves horses and her boyfriend too

it’s a long day living in Reseda
there’s a freeway runnin’ through the yard
and I’m a bad boy, ’cause I don’t even miss her
I’m a bad boy for breakin her heart

and I’m free, free fallin’
yeah I’m free, free fallin’</sub>

i bought my ticket to paradise

Wide Angle Bridge, originally uploaded by Thomas Hawk.

I got my ticket to SF today. I'm going up for the recruitment fair in Contra Costa and I'll be up there for about a week. It's just how the dates turned out, offering the cheapest airfare. I'm nervous. I'm excited. I'm just that much closer! :)

"There may not be a Heaven,
but there is a San Francisco."
- Ashleigh Brilliant
(English Author & Cartoonist)

<sub>The best things happen while you're dancing
Things that you would not do at home come naturally on the floor

For dancing soon becomes romancing
When you hold a girl in your arms that you've never held before

Even guys with two left feet
Come out all right if the girl is sweet
If by chance their cheeks should meet
While dancing

Proving that the best things happen
When you dance</sub>

He'll keep us from just singing

Day 17/365 "Recharge", originally uploaded by Wellstone.

It always feels good to get plugged in and recharge.

I consciously realized today what I've been slowly coming to know over the past week. I've been living quite selfishly as of late and although that is not something I want, I refuse to feel bad about it. I spent over a year pouring myself out into other people. Into a relationship, into my studies, into classrooms of children, of whom I felt intimidated by. It was tough and I'm chalking the past several months up to depletion.

Depletion of health, of confidence, of trust, of self-worth, of my Source. I finally starting to feel myself fill back up. And it feels good to allow God back into my life. I hope to start working with I Love A Clean San Diego and I may be going up to the Bay earlier than I had originally planned. It would be great to go up for the Teacher Recruitment Fair, so I really want to make it happen!

I think I'm ready for this. To grow up. To live life as it is intended to be lived. Selflessly and whole-heartedly. I've been asleep for too long. Too comfortable and too stagnant. I won't just stand here, existing, anymore. I am setting out to do something. Finally.

<sub>And Jesus, You have called us
Freely we've received, now freely we will give

We must go
Live to feed the hungry
Stand beside the broken
We must go

Stepping forward
Keep us from just singing
Move us into action
We must go!!

Fill us up and send us out!</sub>

make me second-guess myself

Approaching the City in the Fog, originally uploaded by Ivan Makarov.

I've been dreaming about SF all day long.
My mom sent me some info about a convention of sorts.
I hope they need a Middle School English teacher...
Or that they would accept me as a Math teacher w/o clearance yet.

I doubt I will have the chance to go, but the convention is in a week or two, up in SF. It would be really amazing to be able to go up, meet some people, make connections, and hopefully be just a bit closer to that goal. *sigh*

<sub>you're moving and it's getting me a little insane
i like it
i'm lost in you, it's hard to find myself a grip on the reigns
i like it

every time you say my name, i get a little bit crazed
when you stare, i lose myself, and i forget my own name
i like it

you satisfy, you know, when you're probably feelin' the same
you know the way to make me second-guess my heart
i'm so beside myself, i'm so unsure, i'm so in love with this game
i like it</sub>

you got the best of both worlds

"Inquisitive" blues, originally uploaded by indoloony.

Dancing has meant so much to me, especially as of late, but tonight's trip to Pasadena for dancing was a bit different. I enjoyed the conversations outside and on the way home, almost as much, if not more so, than I did the dances last night. It's such a great feeling to fully accept these people as my community of friends. I think I tried to resist that feeling before. I tried to stay on the outside and come to dance when I wanted to. Now, I still dance for me, but I'm just as excited to dance with someone in an entire new or different way, because he (or she) wants to. I love it and I hope the feeling never fades.

<sub>You've got the best of both worlds
You're the kind of girl who can take down a man,
And lift him back up again
You are strong but you're needy,
Humble but you're greedy
And based on your body language,
And shoddy cursive I've been reading
Your style is quite selective,
though your mind is rather reckless
Well I guess it just suggests
that this is just what happiness is

Hey, what a beautiful mess this is
It's like picking up trash in dresses

Well it kind of hurts when the kind of words you write
Kind of turn themselves into knives
And don't mind my nerve you could call it fiction
But I like being submerged in your contradictions dear
'Cause here we are, here we are

Although you were biased I love your advice
Your comebacks they're quick
And probably have to do with your insecurities
There's no shame in being crazy,
Depending on how you take these
Words I'm paraphrasing this relationship we're staging

And what a beautiful mess, yes it is</sub>

maybe i dance a bit too much

"hold me closer" blues, originally uploaded by indoloony.

My eyes have been bloodshot for quite some time.
I'm pretty sure that it's due to sleep deprivation.
I'm not going dancing tonight, in hopes of a recovery!

Today's To-Do:
call about credential
dentist appointment
work for several hours
laundry & chores
applications

<sub>I'm wide awake and so alive
Ringing like a bell
Tell me this is paradise
And not someplace I fell
'Cause I keep on fallin' down

I wanna feel the car crash
I wanna feel the capsize
I wanna feel the bomb drop, the earth stop
'Til I'm satisfied
I wanna feel the car crash
'Cause I'm dyin' on the inside
I wanna let go and know
That I'll be alright, alright

Just push me 'til I have to fly
I've shed my skin, my scars
Take me deep out past the lights
Where nothing dims these stars
Nothing dims these stars</sub>

i mince. i'm a mince-master.

Chop'em Up !, originally uploaded by TSTnT.

I'm cooking tonight... And still haven't a clue as to what I should make.
Ack! Maybe I'll be making stuffed pasta shells tonight.
Mmm... stuffed pasta shells, red sauce, garlic bread, and some salad.
Time to shop for ingredients!

<sub>Well, I heard that it might be raining bed sheets and lover's words
Let's throw out the hotel comforter and hang the 'do not disturb' sign
Me up for the storm, I'll wear my suit for the shower
Cause I'll have you to keep me warm in the coldest hour

And when the darkness falls under your hair, there I'll be
And crazy is the forecast all week

Well every kiss, every hug is so light on that touch, delicate like a snowflake
Well I can taste, I can taste, I can taste, I can taste you all over my face
And everyone might find it foolish to not be counting on the sun
But your mouth is my umbrella now and I'm holding your tongue

And if the rain should fall, for sure, with you, I'll be
And crazy is the forecast all week</sub>

all you wanna do is ride around

Ciabatta Pizza, originally uploaded by dshack.

So I will be cooking dinner for my family tomorrow. I know... *cringe* The horror, the horror!! But seriously, it's something my parents decided that I would do while I live here. Cook with my dad once a week. It doesn't sound too bad. Let's just hope it's not. What I need is ideas for meals... So... Anyone got any?

<sup>Mustang Sally, now baby
Oh Lord
Guess you better slow
Your Mustang down
H'uh, oh yeah

You been runnin' all over town, now
Oh, I guess I have to put your flat feet
On the ground
Ha!
What I said, now

Listen!
All you wanna do is ride around Sally
Ride, Sally, ride
All you wanna do is ride around Sally
Ride, Sally, ride</sup>

i hate gosh-darned paperwork

paperwork, originally uploaded by anomalous4.

I got at least four papercuts today.
But I worked almost 7 hours.
Working tomorrow, Thursday, and Friday as well.
I need these hours so very badly.
I just hope she doesn't run out of things for me to do.

<sub>sometimes, late at night
i can hear you through
paper thin walls
she likes the things that you do to her
i really want you to do them to me

i want caress you
i want to lay you down
i want to please you, baby


who knows, you might like it</sub>

there's a nothin' can harm you

A little sun, originally uploaded by Hel Des.

I'm ready to move.

I wanna move.

Let me move.

I just need to move.

*sigh*

_{Summertime... and the livin' is easy
Fish are jumpin'... and the cotton is high
Oh your daddy's rich... and your mama's good lookin'
So hush, little baby, don't you cry
One of these mornings
You're goin' to rise up singing
Then you'll spread your wings
And you'll take to the sky
But till that morning
There's a nothin' can harm you
With daddy... and mommy... standin' by}

people come and people go

onehundred and sixtythree., originally uploaded by atomic turquoise.

I've been in a very odd mood lately.
melancholy. fatigued. drained. morose.
I can't seem to get myself motivated to do anything.
I find it odd that you lack energy when there's nothing to do...
but have plenty of energy when there is too much to do.
I can never seem to get anything done. Merr.
As for now, I guess I will continue to slowly work through it.
Slowly being the key word there.

I pray that it's in God's plan for me to work in San Francisco.
It will be difficult to live an entirely new life...
but it's something that I need.
And I'd love to do it in a place where I have such amazing friends.

<sub>People come and people go
They take and they give
Build you up, just to let you down
That's just the way it is

All I need is one friend
To get me through the day
One friend that never goes away
Only one friend to understand
And never let me down

I've been in love
I've been in pain
I'm a sinner
And a saint
No matter where I am
Or what I do
It's you I appreciate</sub>

you're an angel... holdin' me

BluesShout-0417, originally uploaded by Steve Losh.

Blues dancing in Pasadena tonight. Yus!!
Driving up with Sam, Charlie, and maybe Selena.

I already have a few people that I am definitely getting dances with, so it should be a wonderful night of blues. I hope tonight helps me to get out of this funk. I know what would really help... A job in another town and a ticket to get there. It's lame to think that I'd move for dance, but at this point, I'm okay with being lame. I love my friends and the lovely people of SD, but I just feel as if I've been pulled at long enough. Pasadena will have to do... for tonight. :)

_{Every mornin', every evenin', every day I, I think of you
The way you love me, through and through
When I'm with you, it feels like heaven
You're an angel, holdin' me
Your sweet, sweet lovin', it sets me free
And in my wildest, imagination,
I could never, imagine you
Lovin' me as much as, as I do love you
And it may be winter, it may be fall
I might have plenty, or nothin' at all
But baby I'll be there, whenever you call, ever you call
'Cause every mornin', and every evenin', every day I, I think of you
The way you love me, through and through}

setting goals is half the battle

Day 361 - New desk!, originally uploaded by sarah lasker.

I really need to buckle down and pump out some paperwork today. I'm having lunch/dinner/something with my parents in the next day or two, at which time they will be grilling me about my future. I would like to actually have a few things accomplished towards the goals I have been setting.

I have to call someone about adding M.S. Math to my credential, to finish a lot of sub paperwork, and to gather all the necessary forms and letters in order to start submitting my resume (and then some) to the schools at which I would like to teach. It's not that big of a deal. I just need to do it. SInce I have work soon, I will be staying home to get it done tonight. It'll be a long night...

<sub>Danny boy, don't be afraid, to shake that ass, and misbehave
Danny boy, I now you got time, but what are you waiting for,
Anyway the dust may just blow away, if you wait for a windy day

But you may find the chance has past you by;

I can't do the walk
I can't do the talk
I can't be your friend
Unless I pretend

So give me the song and I'll sing it like I mean it
So give me the words and I'll say them like I mean it

Cos you got my heart in a headlock
You stopped the blood and made my head soft
And god knows
You got me sewn

Danny boy, don't be a fool
Take upon to break a rule
Danny boy your looking so low
You looking like the dead grown old
Anyway the blues just may wash away, if you wait for a rainy day
But you may find, the chance has past you by</sub>

just a small musical interlude

Montreal Bagel & Blues, originally uploaded by Laura Slotkoff.

I had two hours to kill in a In 'N Out, waiting for the rain to slow enough for me to feel safe on the road. It was a nice time spent, eating my burger, fries, and a tub of cucumbers that my sister left at work. I probably ate more of them than I did the french fries, that I paid for. Oh well. Once I was done scarfing, I pulled out my notebook and began to write. I really didn't know what I was in the mood to write about... I guess I should've known that I've become a bit more than obsessed with dancing. LoL. I hope you enjoy it.

Interlude

Music plays.
Beat pulses.
Horn sings.

He remains still.
Eyes shut.
Holding her close.
His leg begins to move, guiding their bodies to follow
the sultry, soulful rhythm.

Her hips sway.
Their bodies tense.
Gazes meet.
He leads her to spin, watching as she draws out
each breath, step, and twist of her wrist.

Bodies meet.
Hands clasp.
Her back arches slowly.
A chill runs down the length of his spine
and back up hers.

They embrace.
Her breath on his neck.
His face pressed against hers.
They smile.

Horn, sing.
Beat, pulse.
Music, play.

Fade out.
<sub>you've got magic inside your finger tips
its leaking out all over my skin
everytime that i get close to you
your makin me weak with the way you
look through those eyes

and all i see is your face
all i need is your touch
wake me up with your lips
come at me from up above
yeaaaa, oh i need you

i remember the way that you move
your dancin easily through my dreams
its hittin me harder and harder with all your smiles
you are crazy gentle in the way you kiss</sub>

want to be drenched in love

After Party, originally uploaded by dElay.

I love the rain... but not many do in these parts.

My goal for the day was to go out, get my phone fixed, meet up with Laura, and then go dancing at Henry's, in Downtown. Now, I wonder if anyone will be venturing out in the rain at all, with all of these tornado warnings. Damn. Will that stop me from going out? Prolly not. I promise to be careful though. Promise.

<sub>The men that I've been seeing, baby
Got their souls up on a shelf
No, they could never love me
Can't even love themselves

But I want someone to love me
Baby, I wanna, wanna understand
Won't put himself above me
Who can love me like a man

I never seen such losers
Don't think I haven't tried
To find a man to take me home instead of
Always for a ride

Baby, are you someone who can
Believe it when I tell you, darling
You can love me like a man


All want me to rock 'em
Like my back ain't got no bone
Why don't you rock me one time, baby
Like my backbone was your own

Babe, I want to wait until you can
Believe it when I tell you, darlin'
You can love me like a man</sub>

i love the light and the dark

morning..., originally uploaded by *December Sun.

Verona time.

Talks about life, love, and God. I will seriously miss this one one when I move, but at least I know that she is someone who loves to travel. Hey Bay Area, I'll prolly be bringing up a few people with me, even if it is for only a week or two... I'm actually hoping that I can convince her to move with me. It would be great!

<sub>In the day, in the night
Say it right, say it all
You either got it or you don't
You either stand or you fall

When your will is broken
When it slips from your hands
When there's no time for joking
There's a hole in the plan

Oh, you don't mean nothing at all to me
No, you don't mean nothing at all to me
Oh, you've got what it takes to set me free
Oh, you could mean everything to me

I can't say that I'm not lost and found
I can't say that I don't love the light and the dark
I can't that I don't know that I am alive
And all of what I feel I could show you tonight</sub>

too many sunsets i haven't seen

{Week 8} I Just Wanna..., originally uploaded by perkyNbLue.

Emily came over last night. We had an amazing night, cooking up some stir-fry, mixing some drinks, and dancing to Mraz, Dashboard, and Mayer. I love that we were able to get some blues practice time in. I was unsure about how we would be able to practice leading without an actual lead, but it was nice. I can't wait to show others just how much we have both learned! Yay!!

Thus ends my vacation from the parentals... :)

<sub>There's too many things that I haven't done yet
Too many sunsets I haven't seen
You can't waste the day wishing it'd slow down
You would've thought by now
I'd have learned something

I made up my mind when I was a young girl
I've been given this one world
I won't worry it away
But now and again I lose sight of the good life
I get stuck in a low light
But then Love comes in

How far do I have to go to get to you
Many the miles
Many the miles
How far do I have to go to get to you
Many the miles
But send me the miles and I'll be happy to follow you Love

I do what I can wherever I end up
To keep giving my good love
And spreading it around
Cause I've had my fair share of 'take care' and 'goodbyes'
I've learned how to cry
And I'm better for that

Red letter day and I'm in a blue mood
Wishing that blue would just carry me away
I've been talking to God don't know
If it's helping or not
But surely something has got to got to got to give
Cause I can't keep waiting to live

There's too many things I haven't done yet
Too many sunsets I haven't seen</sub>

feelin exposed by my exposures

Decipher Reflections from Reality, originally uploaded by Chrissie White.

I guess it didn't really last. I think I am scrapping my resolution for the year. It's not enjoyable anymore. I will just try to continue to take photos when I can. I'm not super confident in my photography and it's not helping that I am uploading some half-assed photo each day. So it's over.

Emily is on her way over for some dance time. Yay, lady dancing! Our goal is to use whatever extra time we can to improve our leads. My goal is to feel confident in my lead by this summer. I'll just refer to that as my resolution. :)

<sub>Heaven help me for the way I am
Save me from these evil deeds before I get them done
I know tomorrow brings the consequence at hand
But I keep living this day like the next will never come

Oh help me but don't tell me to deny it
I've got to cleanse myself of all these lies 'till I'm good enough for him
I've got a lot to lose and I'm bettin' high so I'm begging you
Before it ends just tell me where to begin

What I need is a good defense
'Cause I'm feeling like a criminal
And I need to be redeemed
To the one I've sinned against
Because he's all I ever knew of love

Let me know the way
Before there's hell to pay
Give me room to lay the law and let me go
I've got to make a play
To make my lover stay
So what would an angel say, the devil wants to know</sub>

once we rock we won't stop

DSC_0617, originally uploaded by andihazelwood.

I have plenty to look into for the near future, but right now, I'm just trying to focus my efforts. If I can, I hope to get my sub work through quickly, so I have some time to get acclimated to the classroom once again. Starting in March or April, I should start applying and interviewing for full-time positions that start in the fall. I hope to spread out my options and apply for positions in SF, LA, and Seattle. I need a change of scenery, but it's a bit much for me to run up too far North right now... At least I'd have Big, Grand, and Mick in the area, as well as a dance scene that I'm excited about.

I was thinking about it today and I'm amused by how often I change up my activities. Still somehow they all seem the same:
_{Age 10-14: Musical Theatre through CYT
Age 14-15: Thespians in High School
Age 15-18: Show Choir FANATIC!!
Age 18-19: Coffee Shop Music Scene
Age 19-20: Swing Dancing (Lindy Basics)
Age 20-21: Sorority Life
Age 21-23: Swing Dancing (mainly Lindy)
Age 23-on: Swing Dancing (mainly Blues)}

... I'll always be a performer at heart. :)

<sub>I'm sippin' coffee at a quarter to two
I wake up and I'm dialing and my mind's runnin' to you
No wonder I'm a one woman man
She keeps my heart in a jar on her night stand
I should tell her that she couldn't be more
Opposite than a foot in the door
There's no one else I would rather go out with
That's hell when I see them standing there
Me and my mouth we don't mean to be rushin'
We talk about deep freely cause we crushin'
I'm gonna shake both sides of the butt yeah
Theoretically I say we rock it

I wish the wild was alive like you
I wish the wind would blow me through
Another opportunity to approach you
Another telepathic rendezvous
I wish you well with your weapon of joggin'
You got a double-sided lexicon
I gotta try to keep your attention
Gotta write using less emoticons
Gotta figure out the snooze alarm
I wanna lay in your place til dawn
I wanna play in the part come on now
Let me see your other upper echelon

And when the coyotes escape to New York
Then the city life is crumbled to the sea
And the girls all fall to the lost and found
The flyin' men all hit the ground
Every notion is closer to touchin'
The coyotes sing when they feast on your lovin'
I'm a coyote, I got a taste for your lovin'

Comin' back for more
You know why, we're comin' for you
You know we should be, we should be together
Cause once we rock we won't wanna stop
Not today or tomorrow</sub>

don't keep me from dreaming

The Killer Dillers, Lindy Hoppers, originally uploaded by The Killer Dillers.

The lindy hop swing dancing was amazingly fun last night! I had a bit of trouble getting into the music towards the beginning, but the leads were great. I don't know how I stayed away for so long... well, I do... but you know. LoL.

Tonight, I'm going up to LindyGroove with Emily and apparently a group of more San Diegans will be heading up as well. LA, watch out... we're invading! I'll spend most of my time trying to blues it out though. :)

<sub>Cinderella's on her bedroom floor
She's got a
Crush on the guy at the liquor store
Cause Mr. Charming don't come home anymore
And she forgets why she came here
Sleeping Beauty's in a foul mood
For shame she says
None for you dear prince, I'm tired today
I'd rather sleep my whole life away than have you keep me from dreaming

'cause I don't care for your fairytales
You're so worried about the maiden though you know
She's only waiting on the next best thing

Snow White is doing dishes again cause
What else can you do
With seven itty-bitty men?
Sends them to bed and calls up a friend
Says will you meet me at midnight?
The tall blonde lets out a cry of despair says
Would have cut it myself if I knew men could climb hair
I'll have to find another tower somewhere and keep away from the windows

Once upon a time in a faraway kingdom
Man made up a story said that I should believe him
Go and tell your white knight that he's handsome in hindsight
But I don't want the next best thing
So I sing and hold my head down and I break these walls round me
Can't take no more of your fairytale love</sub>

something i've learned of grace

my sister's tattoo., originally uploaded by laurennicolelove.com.

I have spent too much time resting this week. It's about time I get back to work. I miss it really. I have learned so much about possessing and exuding grace this weekend. Now, I intend to spread His grace through my actions from day to day. To give to others in whatever way I can to make their days just a bit brighter. That is the only way I can begin to heal from the bitter and negative thoughts that creep in from time to time... It's a disease that I will always work to be rid of. :)

<sub>My God, what a world you love
Where men bury their sons
And without thought just walk away

And my mother's heart breaks
Like the water inside of her
...

But I believe there is something here to be learned of grace
Because I can't help but love you
No I can't help but love you
Even with a heart that breaks
Like the promises that you made
Like the promises that you made
The promises that you made
'Cause I still love you

My God, what a world you love</sub>

music moves on down her spine

Steven & Virginie Weekend, originally uploaded by Laura Slotkoff.

I'm ready to get down with the ladies at Henry's Pub tonight. I mean, sure... I'll dance with the guys too... but any time I can grab one of the girls and practice leading and following with them, I will. I want to keep this ball rolling as long as possible. My dancing skills have been building quickly and since I am still without a job, I need to take advantage of every free venue that there is.

It's taking every ounce of will in my body to keep from running off after the various leads from this weekend. All of a sudden, future living prospects are growing to include much more. LoL. I guess I should look into the teaching scenes in Portland, Baltimore, Houston, and the Bay Area (private schooling). Yes, Big... go figure... you have a good blues scene nearby. :D

<sub>Could I have been anyone other than me?

Twenty three and so tired of life
Such a shame to throw it all away
The images grow darker still
Could I have been anyone other than me?
And then I ...

Look up at the sky
My mouth is open wide, lick and taste
What's the use in worrying, what's the use in hurrying
Turn, turn we almost become dizzy

I am who I am, who I am, well, who am I?
Requesting some enlightenment
Could I have been anyone other than me?

And then I'll sing and dance I'll play for you tonight
And thrill at it all
Dark clouds may hang on me sometimes
But I'll work it out then I...

Look up at the sky
My mouth is open wide, lick and taste
What's the use in worrying, what's the use in hurrying
Turn, turn we almost become dizzy

Falling out of a world of lies
Could I have been a dancing nancy
A dancing nancy
Could I have been anyone other than me?

And then I sing and dance
La la la hey, la la la hey, la la la
Sing and dance
La la la hey, la la la hey, la la la</sub>

ain't crazy: wild as she is free

Montreal Bagel & Blues, originally uploaded by Laura Slotkoff.

*sigh*

I'm trying too hard to put this weekend into words. It was an amazingly uplifting and spiritual experience, filled with new friends, old faces, superb dances, and an intensity that one hardly ever experiences. My body is heavily bruised and slightly beaten, but every ounce of pain is completely worth it... without them, I find the entire weekend difficult to believe. If someone posts a picture, I may have a piece of more substantial proof, but you never know with these things. There are a few leads, in particular, that I was especially sad to see leave.

It really made me start thinking about moving again. I really want to live somewhere where I can go out blues dancing and not have to worry whether there will be any leads... not that I haven't started remedying the problem already. I've taken to dancing with follows and thanks to David, from SF/Portland, I understand more about leading myself. I just need a follow with a strong frame and to believe in my abilities and then, I'm fine. LoL.

This week, I hope to finish the necessary substitute paperwork and get into the system as quickly as I can. I may even schedule an appointment to work with Kaden, my kindergarten friend. It would allow me to get reacquainted with the teaching process and allow him to grow as we work on various literacy techniques.

HERE'S TO LIFE IN 2010!! :)

<sub>When the music starts to playin'
She slides out on the floor
Dancing without a partner
Swaying on the two and four

There's a rhythm in her footsteps
And a flower in her hair
A smile on her face
Cause she's in a place
Where she don't have a care

She ain't looking for no lover
She ain't looking for a romance
She just wants to dance
She just wants to dance
Yeah, she just wants to dance
Ooo, she just wants to dance

Well she's moving kinda lazy
And it's obvious to me
This little girl ain't crazy
She's as wild as she is free

She can feel it in her fingers
And it moves on down her spine
And when it hits her hips
She parts her lips
And you know she's feeling fine...</sub>

hold me close, sway me more

Andrew Sutton & Olga Moiseeva, originally uploaded by Alexey 'ashel' Che..

The dancing has been out of this world incredible!

Tonight is the last night.

I can barely stand it.

I hope to make the very best of it!!

:D

the dancing is just that good.

Waterfront Blues Festival in Portland, originally uploaded by Laura Slotkoff.

I am hanging out with a dancer today.

Having dinner with another tonight.

And then, I will be dancing my freaking heart out...


... till 5 in the morning... again. :)

i break these walls 'round me

01.02.2010: Evan P., originally uploaded by perkyNbLue.

I get to see all of my newly made blues dancing friends tonight and I really couldn't be more excited!! I've found it very difficult to eat all week, just because I've been so eager to dance. It's bizarre. Either way, I need to get up and move around, try to stretch and massage out the knots in my shoulders, and eat.

9 pm.

You're not that far away!! Eeeeee...

the only expensive taste i have

Love for Dior, originally uploaded by perkyNbLue.

I miss my Little D. I can hardly wait to be reunited with my love for lunch. Since we are both pretty broke-face, we are bringing our own bag lunches to meet. Pretty ghetto, if you ask me, but I wouldn't have it any other way. I better go back to sleep, before I pass out during our date (my parents needed a ride to the airport early).

every dance ends with a dip

Portland Lindy Exchange, originally uploaded by evrimgallery.

After a very long night out, I slept in and went to work late... after having lunch with Dana. It was a pretty nice set up. I am not going in to work tomorrow and instead, I am taking my parents to the airport in the morning and meeting up with Lil D for lunch.

I am SO pleased with the amazing dances over the past two days... It just keeps getting better! I can't WAIT for Fusion this weekend!!

one, two, and a cha-cha-cha

Andrew, originally uploaded by ohtoberich.

After tonight, I don't think I'll ever be able to miss Henry's Pub again. It was just too good. However, more blues scenes would certainly be appreciated. I just love it so much that I get frustrated waiting to do it! Heh.

when life gets a bit confusing

I am a Princess., originally uploaded by perkyNbLue.

I'd rather be kissing frogs.
I don't know if I want to date any time soon.
I need a break from boys.
*sigh*

it's elementary, my dear watson

01.02.2010: Cesar G., originally uploaded by perkyNbLue.

So I got home safely from LA, went shopping with my mom, and went to see Sherlock Holmes with Cesar. How great is this photo?! I love it. It's just too perfect. Now, to continue with my Resolution. :D

if you can't say anything nice...

Day 343 | Scared Fingers, originally uploaded by ir0cko.

The purpose of life is not whether you or I is correct, but that we can express ourselves and influence one another, while retaining some sort of respect and decency towards one another. I just cannot handle condescending, disrespectful conversations. I was good and removed myself from the entire discussion... kinda. It's complete BULL, in my opinion (of which I'm entitled to), so I do not desire to hear more from his side. Arguing hurts my heart almost as much as the condescending words spewed forth, but I can only stay cool-headed for so long before I must concede entirely. *sigh* Yay, 2010.

excuse me, i must go and dance

TMA_6850, originally uploaded by fritz1948.

DANCE DANCE DANCE DANCE DANCE DANCE DANCE DANCE
DANCE DANCE DANCE DANCE DANCE DANCE DANCE DANCE
DANCE DANCE DANCE DANCE DANCE DANCE DANCE
DANCE DANCE DANCE DANCE DANCE DANCE DANCE
DANCE DANCE DANCE DANCE DANCE DANCE
DANCE DANCE DANCE DANCE DANCE DANCE
DANCE DANCE DANCE DANCE DANCE
DANCE DANCE DANCE DANCE DANCE
DANCE DANCE DANCE DANCE
DANCE DANCE DANCE DANCE
DANCE DANCE DANCE
DANCE DANCE DANCE
DANCE DANCE
DANCE DANCE
DANCE
DANCE

i will now call dana my muse

[115/366] Jamba wins..., originally uploaded by perkyNbLue.

So a new year is about to begin and I must say that this one has been a doozy. I think I can safely say that this was the hardest, most stressful year I have had to date. I am stronger for it and I look forward to applying all that I have learned to a bigger and better future! As for that project that I mentioned earlier, I talked to Doodle about it and we have worked out a few of the kinks that were muddling up the concept.

I intend to take a photograph each day of 2010 and each month will follow a new theme or technique. The first month will be portraits. I hope to take a portrait of a new person each of the 31 days and then ask them where/how they see themselves ten years from now. The little blurb of an answer will be posted with the photo onto flickr. These photos will be taken with my dad's Nikon, as often as it is made possible (not possible for the next 2 days, since I'm in LA), so that I can have higher quality photos in my portfolio.

One final detail about the photos that I will be posting is that I am allowing myself time to process the photos before posting, just in case I want to do any special treatments to the photos for a month. The extra time will be limited, however. I have until Saturday each week to get that week's posted. I may end up posting all seven that day, but it will be far less daunting than the need to get one done every single day!!

I'm excited. This WILL be a good year, Lord willing. :)

i didn't know i had missed you

Soo-prise!, originally uploaded by perkyNbLue.

I spent my day at work and then at dinner with the Waterworths and Lieders. What I'm saying is that I was FAR too busy to update... apparently. LoL.

i have missed my camera time

Heart Leaf, originally uploaded by perkyNbLue.

I want to start a new photography project.
I guess I have about 2 days to decide.
I would like to make it a 2010 project.

It may even be slightly different from month to month.

What do you think?
Any ideas?

i'm living off of caffeinated tea

Tea, originally uploaded by igor.shmel.

My mouth doesn't really hurt.
But it itches like crazy!
I just can't wait for this to wear off.
In the meantime, I'm not drinking soda.
I'm not too crazy about that either.
*sighhhhh*

shine brightly, day and night

Kelly Dalman, originally uploaded by Kelly Delight.

I'm still enjoying the Christmas season, since I'm stuck in the house all day with nothing to do but ice my face and eat whatever I can. I've been watching Christmas movies and episodes all day long. LoL. My mouth feels pretty good actually, which I'm happy about, but I crave EVERYTHING around me, even things I can't eat yet. I just can't wait for these holes to close up! Ha!!

p.s. The gorgeous lady in the photo above is Angela's sister. She's gorgeous, right?! I love it. And with that, I will again say... MERRY belated-CHRISTMAS!! :D

it's the day after christmas now

wise, originally uploaded by chattycathy7575.

My teeth have been removed. I didn't even think to ask for a view of them after it was all done. I'm pretty sleepy, but nothing too bad. I'm just looking forward to the soup that I plan on eating soon.

p.s. The most annoying part is the blood. Merr.

merry christmas, my friends

candy cane marshmallow, originally uploaded by cannelle-vanille.

I was too busy scarfing all that I could before my surgery tomorrow. Just know that I love you all so much. You are blessings in my life and I couldn't ask for much more. All my love and God bless!

my letter for december twenty-fourth

[269/366] Scarecrows, originally uploaded by perkyNbLue.

Runi, Miguel and Lily,

This is the time to reflect and give thanks for the many things that Christ has made possible for our lives. I want to thank you for opening your home to me and allowing me to be a part of your lives. I loved every moment there, even when I was struggling through schoolwork. Runi, thank you for the conversations and pep talks to get me through those rough days. It was something I often came home looking forward to. Miguel and Lily, thank you for sharing your toys and always making me smile. Miguel, I hope you continue with your artistic projects. They're inspiring. I hope to continue to watch as your two girls grow up. I am eager to see how the Arts manifest in their lives as they have in the lives of you two. Thanks again.

Feeling God's blessings,
Lauren.

my letter for december twenty-third

I *heart* Bruno., originally uploaded by perkyNbLue.

Bru,

You are always here for me, loving on me, and curling up next to me when I need you most. Thank you for always staying true to yourself, while growing out of the more annoying habits that you used to have. We are a lucky family to have such a sweet puppy as a part of our family. Keep playing, keep offering kisses, and keep wagging your tail.

I love you,
Lauren.

my letter for december twenty-second

Sisters, originally uploaded by perkyNbLue.

Carole,

I miss you so much and wish you were still here. Actually, I was thinking about it and I think you should move back to California. I think it's just a better place for you. Come on... You know you want to! Either way, I hope you stay away for too long just because the parents are coming to visit. They aren't us (Dana and me). And we miss you. I hope this Christmas season has been a blessing to you and David. And I hope that God will bring us back together some time soon. I love you.

Your doting niece,
Lauren.

my letter for december twenty-first

Don't Talk About Our Son, Martha, originally uploaded by gregeichelberger.

Fellow Cast-mates,

I am so thankful to be a part of such a wonderful production. I am overwhelmed by the kindness and support I have felt, throughout the entire process. I had to email my teacher tonight to explain that I overcommitted and have yet to find the time to write this paper that still hangs over me. Instead of being disappointed about the failure to complete a class, I cannot deny the blessings I feel when I think about the message we're sharing and many ways I have felt that message impact me through this show. Thank you for being there for me, whether it was a car ride to keep me company, jokes told in the quick change room, comforting words spoken to calm my anxieties about school, or a passing smile as we sing our hearts out to Traditions. I love you guys and cannot imagine a better way to spend her Christmas holiday! THANK YOU!!

Many blessings,
Lauren.