breaking my mother's heart

it's swimsuit season..., originally uploaded by ::reflecting truth::.

Wow. On a whim, I weighed myself today and found that I have lost nearly ten pounds in the last three months or so! It's absolute craziness that one change can make that much of a difference. I really haven't changed much of my diet at all. I eat as I please, although my appetite seems smaller most of the time, usually eating only twice a day, with an occasional snack after dancing.

I feel like I should eat fewer carbs and less greasy foods and more protein, in general. LoL. It's odd, but if given the choice, I always seem to reach for salted carbs or cheese before much else. Now if it's good meat, that's always first on my list, but I hardly ever have the opportunity to eat it, since I'm never home to cook it for myself and buying meat, on-the-go, is quite lacking in quality.

I'm sure I'll find way around it soon enough, but as for now, I'm going to try and be more aware of the calories I consume from alcohol. I haven't been as careful about that. Anyone else notice how expensive vitamins are now-a-days? LoL. Seems like an odd thing to spend good money on. Oh, well. I ought to get on that as well.

I'm off to finish packing for the weekend and then I'm heading out to CB early, so I can relax before the weekend really begins. I suspect that it will be a crazy, wonderful weekend and I don't want to allow myself to stress over the details. :)

<sub>I'm breaking my mother's heart
The longer I stand looking at you
The more I hear it splinter and crack
From ninety miles away

I'm breaking my mother's heart
The JCC of Spring Valley is shaking
And crumbling to the ground
And my grandfather's rolling
Rolling in his grave

If you had a tattoo, that wouldn't matter
If you had a shaved head, that would be cool
If you came from Spain or Japan
Or the back of a van
Just as long as you're not from Hebrew school
I'd say, "Now I'm getting somewhere!
I'm finally breaking through!"
I'd say, "Hey! Hey! Shiksa goddess!
I've been waiting for someone like you"

I've been waiting through Danica Schwartz and Erica Weiss
And the Handelman twins
I've been waiting through
Heather Greenblatt,
Annie Mincus,
Karen Pincus
And Lisa Katz
And Stacy Rosen, Ellen Kaplan, Julie Silber and Janie Stein
I've had Shabbas dinners on Friday nights
With every Shapiro in Washington Heights
But the minute I first met you
I could barely catch my breath
I've been standing for days with the phone in my hand
Like and idiot, scared to death
I've been wandering through the desert
I've been beaten, I've been hit
My people have suffered for thousands of years
And I don't give a shit!


If you drove an R.V., that wouldn't matter
If you like to drink blood, I think it's cute
If you've got a powerful connection to your firearm collection
I'd say, Draw a bead and shoot
I'm your Hebrew slave, at your service
Just tell me what to do
I say, "Hey hey hey hey!
I've been waiting for someone
I've been praying for someone
I think that I could be in love with someone
Like you"
♫ The Last Five Years</sub>

yesterday's cup of cold coffee

entwined, originally uploaded by Kelly Angard - kreativekell.

Feeling poetic... I'm just sharing some old poetry today. :)
Lonely Nomad

Nothing has an end
I pack my goodbyes in boxes
Never thinking to unpack when I’ve arrived

My goodbyes sit and wait
Present in photos of old friends and lovers
Present in class rings, shot glasses, favors from weddings
Ants gnaw at their corners
... And the dust piles grow

I shuffle through these forgotten memories
Finding dull, listless eyes staring back
... The goodbyes are no longer present
They have escaped without my knowing
... They have expired

Yet again I pack
... For a new home and a new life
It's a long road and I’m nowhere near its end
I try, yet again, to wave goodbye as I depart
... And, I suppose, a part of me will

But not the part that knows.

Missing Support

I felt roots plunge deep
I felt far extending branches
I felt flower blossoms unfold

And then, nothing

No green life
No soothing breeze
No support alongside

I don’t feel you
I won’t cry
I don’t, I won’t grow

If you ask me, it's just a nicer way to grieve. Turning painful emotions into pieces of art, rather than dwelling on them any longer than it takes to write is amazing. It always seems to relieve the stress, the intensity, the hopelessness when I write them out. I know I'm especially hurt when the poem takes over a week to write. The words don't always come together as easily. When they do, I can take pride in my accomplishment, rather than the hurt that brought it about.

<sub>It's been a long time comin' and the cards were stacked.
It's been a long hard road to Hell and back.
Your love meant trouble, from the day we met.
You won every hand, I lost every bet.

Now you'd think that I should've known better.
Now I think that I should've seen it comin'.
My heart sank when I read that letter.
It sank like a stone, it sank like a stone.

A cup of cold coffee, yesterday's mail.
A bad love like this is always bound to fail.
Your love meant trouble from the day we met.
If you want your things, they're on the front step.
♫ Nickel Creek</sub>

it's my curious sinner within

Beach Couple, originally uploaded by Jonathan!.

_{Oh dear, what can I say?
I'm high here, up and spinning away
From a kiss of a thrill to be filled
Can someone hear me?}

I am truly looking forward to the weekend before me.

_{Love, what do you say?
Your mystery winds me up to be playful
Oh, here goes my curious sinner within
Is someone listening? I hope no one is listening!}

I don't want to build up too many expectations,

_{How do I slow down? I can't relate to my heart now
I've thrown what I've known is enough of me out
I'm running on empty}

but I'm human and it's natural to do so. :)

_{Time says, "it's the end of the day"
My inside says for your lips to forget what time says
Or do I let go of the feeling when you steal the logic around me?
♫ Erin McCarley}

we were naked, as we came

Rock The Pole (30 of 44), originally uploaded by Turbanov Photography.

So, Emily and I have discussed taking pole dance lessons. After watching RhiannanNichole dance to John Mayer, we found ourselves intrigued and inspired. The wardrobe would certainly be different for us, but if Kevin James can wear this, we most certainly will find a way to be comfortable! Ha. We'll see.

<sub>She says, "wake up, it's no use pretending"
I'll keep stealing, breathing her.
Birds are leaving over autumn's ending
One of us will die inside these arms
Eyes wide open, naked, as we came
One will spread our ashes 'round the yard

She says, "If I leave before you, darling
Don't you waste me in the ground"
I lay smiling like our sleeping children
One of us will die inside these arms
Eyes wide open, naked, as we came
One will spread our ashes round the yard
♫ Iron and Wine</sub>

let's make heaven right here

lifelines*, originally uploaded by the*Glint.

I'm sorry that I didn't write yesterday.

Although I had plenty to say, I just couldn't stand to stare at the screen for very long at all. Even now, I write this staring only at the keys, through squinting eyes. I'm in pain and looking through my blogs, I realize that my eyes have hurt me for a couple of months now. Logically, I have waited until now to go into the eye doctor and get them checked.

I hope it's an easy fix and that I will soon be able to see without wanting to cry. I keep wishing that at least one part of my body would stop being so damned sensitive. It certainly can be good, but it's mostly a very, very bad thing. :(

<sub>Check out the introvert
In the corner with the rip in her skirt
Stomach pains so she grippin' her shirt
Ain't never had dinner
So she know she ain't gettin' dessert
Don't try to tell me it's her mission to hurt
I got faith in the people and they power to fight
We gon make the struggle blossom
Like a flower to light
I know that we could take power tonight
Make 'em cower from might
And get emergency clearance from the tower for flight
I ain't sittin in your pews less you helpin' me resist and refuse
Show me a list of your views
If you really love me
Help me tear this muthafucka up
Consider this my tithe for the offer cup

Preacher man wanna save my soul
Don't nobody wanna save my life
People we done lost control
Let's make heaven tonite
Preacher man wanna save my soul
Don't nobody wanna save my life
People we done lost control
Let's make heaven tonite

I used to think about infinity
And how my memory is finna be
Invisibly slim in that vicinity
And though the stars are magnificent
Whisky and the midnight sky can make you feel insignificant
The revolution in this tune and verse
Is a bid for my love to touch the universe
Strugglin' over wages and funds
Let the movement get contagious and run
Through the end when it's gauges and guns
And if we win in the ages to come
We'll have a chapter where the history pages are from


Let's make heaven right here
Just in case they wrong
♫ The Coup</sub>

ya know i'm gonna give it

Spring Love, originally uploaded by Jonathan!.

I had a bit of a revelation today. I know that I've lived a very sheltered lifestyle, even though I feel otherwise from time to time. Still, it always shocks me to find out just how different I am from the world around me. A friend of mine shared the number of sexual encounters that (s)he had, and I could hardly believe it.

Obviously, since I've never actually had sex, I have no number to compare to it, but the number of long-term relationships was just as stunning, I feel. Seven. That's not too many, but they were all longer than 6-months and at least one lasted several years. I tried to determine mine... I can really, honestly, unfortunately say one.

Just one. Before that relationship, I never stayed in a relationship for longer than a mere two months. I wasn't a serial dater... and actually, I think I've only had about eight or nine, in total, but I know when it's is a relationship that I don't want, I don't need, or won't grow into anything deeper. I commit myself to the person I'm with, but I refuse to commit to someone who is undeserving of me or who I can't support in any way that he might need.

I don't think I am overly serious about my relationships, pushing the men out of my life. Instead, it's the fact that I rush into everything I do. With relationships, that means that I find a person I want to be with, chase him, and if I catch him, I then begin to determine whether or not the relationship would be good for us.

I fully believe that there will be someone in my life who will someday tame my wild, impulsive nature, while encouraging me to continue expressing myself in healthy ways. Someone who I can and want to trust and who can and wants to be with me.

I fell asleep, twice, without actually posting this thing.
I'm just gunna get it submitted!

<sub>If you want my lovin
If you really do
Don't be afra-aid bab-ay
Just ask me
Ya know I'm gonna give it to you

Oh and I do declare (I do)
I Wanna see you with it
Stretch out your arms little boy
Your gonna get it
Cause I love you-oo
(Baby, baby, baby I love you)
There ain't no doubt about it
Baby I lo-ove you
(Baby, baby, baby I love you)
I love you, I love you, I love you
I love you, baby I love you
♫ Aretha Franklin</sub>

freckles align when we kiss

4., originally uploaded by Chrissie White.

Home all day and without a single idea for a blog.


It happens...

Right?

_{I am thinking it's a sign that the freckles
In our eyes are mirror images and when
We kiss they're perfectly aligned
And I have to speculate that God himself
Did make us into corresponding shapes like
Puzzle pieces from the clay
True, it may seem like a stretch, but
Its thoughts like this that catch my troubled
Head when you're away when I am missing you to death
When you are out there on the road for
Several weeks of shows and when you scan
The radio, I hope this song will guide you home
♫ Postal Service}

i got this jones comin’ down

IMG_4289a, originally uploaded by tonibduguid.

I danced with Bill Nye tonight and as the girl in this photo states, "He's an excellent dancer." I have wanted to dance with him for a while, but I've always made excuses and avoided it in the past. Tonight, I walked straight over, asked him to dance, and we had a fun one! Afterwards, he thanked me, said it was a great dance, and introduced himself.

My name is Bill.
*i know, i know! the science guy!!* Oh, I'm Lauren.
L-A-U-R or L-O-R?
L-A-U.
Well, thanks for the dance!
Yes, we'll need more in the future.
Definitely!
:D

<sub>And, I can’t, I can't go, Cold Turkey
You can't expect me to quit, now baby.
Cold Turkey
Feelings don't go away so easy.
Just a little more time, and I swear I'll leave you alone.
But, tonight I got this jones comin’ down.

It keeps calling me right back, I keep thinkin’ about the past,
I don't wanna be with nobody but you, no man.
I miss your rhythm and groove, miss, don't know how you do it.
All I know is I'm addicted to your love.

And, I can't go, Cold Turkey
You can't expect me to quit, do ya baby?
Cold Turkey
Feelings don't go away so easy.
Just a little more time, and I swear I'll leave you alone.
But, tonight I got this jones comin’ down,</sub>
♫ Anthony David

getting stronger, by the minute

flower eater , originally uploaded by SophieMuc.

_{I know you've got something burning up inside,
It's so unhealthy but so good for me, oh!
Said if I didn't know, and if I didn't know,
Well if I didn't know that you loved me would you tempt me?
Well God only knows our contradiction's to quitting,
Is a hate to love relationship thing.
A fire under you is so fulfilling,
I fear there's nothing more.}

It was quite difficult to get to a computer to blog during my stay in the Bay Area, so you'll just have to trust me that the missing days WILL be posted shortly. They reside on the pages of my notebook and I have yet to make the time to type 'em up. I mean, come on... I took my dear, sweet time getting today's blog up. Ha!

So, Verona and I had the chance to hang out tonight and it was quite nice to be able to open up to a Christian friend, without feeling at all judged. Thanks for that, Verona. I especially liked the fact that several of the things that I said caused her to respond with a resounding, "me too!" It's a comfort to know that I'm not the only one clumsily finding my way through faith and religion, after so many years of such confidence.

In a way, I feel a bit sad that I don't have that constant to fall back on, a place to put all my hopes and dreams, to run to when I find myself lost in life. On the other hand, however, I feel like I used religion as a crutch. A reason to avoid change. To avoiding the unknown. It's no wonder to me anymore why I felt so stifled, claustrophobic. I wore a symbol of His eternal love, which only masked the fear and doubt in my life. How did I get to a place that is completely contradictory to view God had for our lives?

It's strange, because I've found it to be much easier to trust and experience life, as a whole, since I've let go of the restrictions and regulations of religion. Yes, I am eating away at my innocence (like that? the picture?), but who's to say that it is anything less than exactly what I need at this point. I have lived a life of waiting. For the moment that someone would tell me that it is okay for me to express different parts of myself.

I may lose bits and pieces that were important to me along the way, but what I will gain... freedom, self-discovery, wisdom, connections with wonderful people, love... far surpasses the life I once reduced my life to. I am determined to find a way to keep God as a part of my life, but I do not want to do that from life's sidelines. You will find me in the middle of it all, trying to soak up the world around me and project God's love and confidence out as far as I can. With or without religion.

<sub>I'm giving, giving you, the choke hold,
My flirting with disaster is modern love.
Ugggh you, you're so bold,
My wanting to kiss you still is not enough.
I'm getting over, all the comments.
Unfriendly statements made by people are nonsense.
I'm getting stronger, by the minute.
And once I slip into position I'll swing you and turn you all around.

You are the sweetest thing I've found since whenever,
You're the only way my time is measured.
You might be the silent type,
But your advertising louder now.
It's crazy how you're killing me.


And I like it natural,
No need for chemicals.
Sparkening up my senses
You're makin'in sense
You're calling it sexual.


I won't blow your cover,
Opportunistic lover.
♫ Jason Mraz</sub>

go be free and fly away

The Bay, originally uploaded by perkyNbLue.

Here I am, leaving this wonderful town... after over three hours spent in the lovely SFO airport, which doesn't have freaking Wifi! What the heck?! Even though I have already spent a half-day's time, in all, on BART, I still managed to get myself lost today... again. See? This is why my parents insisted on buying me a GPS for Christmas!

Anyways... After finding my way back to the correct BART line, I arrived at the airport, at least, thirty minutes later than I would have (I didn't realize that I was already cutting it so close!) and missed my flight. So, back to the starting place: I am now leaving the Bay, hours later than I intended.

Just like that, San Francisco disappears into a rainy fog. And I am back on the plane, flying home.

Goodbye - delicious cuisines, Bay bridge, gorgeous cliffs, old friends, new friends, wonderful dances, Big Sis. I look forward to my next visit! SO much!! :)

<sub>You’re 15 miles over the speed,
You’re going fast as you can, off to your daydream

On your mark, get set, hurry
and have a serious talk with your champagne.

Go on, go on, go on, the stars are watching,
Just say, just say, just say, what you’re feeling,
You know, you know, you know, you gotta take a bow and do it your way,
It’s okay, ladadadadadadadada,
it’s okay, ladadadadadadadada

It’s time for you to prove,
Within your ruby shoes,
You deserve a smile with no regret,
Look at you
Kicking off your shoes,
Dancing for the world to see,
You got the power to believe,
Now Open up and see,
And go be free and fly away</sub>

too many faces in this world

Math Gnomes, originally uploaded by Pictures by Ann.

Alright, so I apologize for the information from the two job-related days to be posted so late, but both were written as I was riding BART and I just didn't make the time to transcribe the information. Oh well.

So I rode BART up to North Concord and rode the rest of the way, to the Pittsburg observations, with Big. It was really great to be able to check out the classes and meet the teachers. Already, I can tell that their enthusiasm and energy is exactly what I'm looking for in a job. I was unable to get an interview with the principal today, but I will have the chance to interview over the phone, once I arrive back home.

In order to keep from getting too hung up on this one job, I intend to start the application process for various Bay Area districts right away. If this job doesn't pan out, I'm hopeful in finding another middle school math position somewhere else, since I am pretty convinced that Elementary is out of the question, at this point. I may even make some time to help out at my old middle school, if I can. We'll see.

I'm a little sad to be leaving the Bay so soon, but it will be good to get home and earn back some of the money I've been spending on transportation up here! I am in need of some serious hours!! I'll be going straight into work after flying tomorrow. Boy, will I be exhausted. But it's the perfect excuse to drink coffee. :)

<sub>This ain't no heaven, ain't no hell, ain't no in-between,
Cuz there's just too many faces and places in this world,
That I ain't never seen

I'm gonna keep on keeping on on,
I'm gonna reap on being strong, and I got my head on,
Though misconnected, its alright cuz I do it protected,

I got a day job, I drive a cheap ride, Sounds like I'm gonna be fine,
You only get one life to learn, There's only so many brain cells you can burn,
An' life can take a turn, and take away everything that you've earned,
And leave you yearnin' for more more more,

Life is gonna leave you yearnin' for more more more,
Your stomach gonna be churnin' wantin' more,
You wantin' wantin' some more, you wantin' some more,
Do you want some?</sub>

i'll just talk you to sleep

The Bay Bridge, originally uploaded by perkyNbLue.

After spending the day sight-seeing yesterday, I really do hope things go well tomorrow. Even if it is not the job for me, I hope connections can be made for other potential jobs in the area. The city was full of life and chaos, as I wandered the streets, pushing my way through crowds lining up to see the parade in honor of the Chinese New Year.

It was fun to see children dressed and ready to dance along with the brightly colored floats. The excitement shone through eat shout, smile, and wave of an arm. It made me realize just how special it must be for those who have a culture, other than the melded culture that is America.

The way the Chinese culture celebrates a holiday is so freeing and full of life. The masks and dances and fireworks are only small expressions of the tremendous amount of pride that pours out from such events. Although the crowds of people can be a bit disparaging, it's definitely a sight worth seeing, from any distance (as I had to scurry my way up Geary... my short stature does not allow for a close-up view).

<sub>i want to kiss the back of your neck,
the top of your spine where your hair hits,
and gnaw on your fingertips and fall asleep,
i'll talk you to sleep.

but i'll be the one, i will have chosen.

i'm tryin' to keep cool, but everyone here likes you
i'm not the only one.

your skin smells lovely like sandalwood.
your hair falls soft like animals,
and nothing else matters to me.


your hand,
so hot,
burns a hole in
my hand.
i wanted to show you.</sub>

Gung Hay Fat Choy

Chinese New Year Parade, originally uploaded by perkyNbLue.

I spent my morning fighting my way through the hoard of people waiting for opportunities to interview for jobs. I got myself two interviews for Middle School Math positions, one that wasn't necessarily hiring and one with a spot that needed filling right away.

My first interview was crazy awkward. I definitely unaware of the "buzz words" and "buzz questions," which greatly hindered my ability to answer the very first question. By the end of the interview, however, the interviewer said that I did well. I left feeling satisfied and a whole lot less embarrassed than I felt during.

My second interview was glorious. The fair was ending and all of the interview slots were full, so I had little hope to get much farther with the schools. With one last attempt, I introduced myself to the principal and she insisted that I stay, so she could find a way to squeeze me in for one of the interviews!

Well, she squeezed me in all right... As soon as the interview, already in progress, ended, she shuffled me over and introduced me to the interviewers (and potential colleagues).

The job sounds legit and I would be teaching pre-algebra in Pittsburg, CA, so I promptly asked to come in and observe this Monday, since I fly back Tuesday morning. They eagerly welcomed it and extended the invite to include the staff meeting afterwards, which would allow me to meet all the members of the team. I assume that there might be another interview, of sorts, as well and I can't wait! Bring it on!!

<sub>No one to talk to ....all by myself
No one to walk with.....I'm happy on the shelf
Ain't misbehavin'......savin' all my love for you

I know for certain......the one I love
I'm through with flirtin'......it's just you that I've been thinkin' of
Ain't misbehavin'.......savin' all my love for you


Ain't misbehavin'......I'm savin all my love for you</sub>

i'm barely balancing as it is

Waterfront Blues Festival, originally uploaded by Laura Slotkoff.

I had some really kind of horrible dreams last night. It's a very helpless and uncomfortable feeling to wake up and have literally unreal images burned into your brain. I don't completely recall the first dream, but I know that it involved death... mine or someone else's. From my reaction, I assume it was someone close, someone I really care for.

I awoke and kept seeing the death over and over... I woke up without seeing the gore, but somehow, that only made it worse. I kept seeing the action over and over. I clutched tightly to the sheets and pillow and forced myself to think of good things. Puppies, dreams of moving, my crush. I finally fell back to sleep...

I obviously wasn't paying close enough attention, so I don't know how long I was out before I awoke again. This time, I could clearly remember the disaster that happened. I was at a party, surrounded by old girlfriends and unbeknownst to me, one of the girls had fallen from some great height, I'm sure. Instead of stopping and coming to her aid, the party continued, with some sort of idea that they were honoring her life in her death.

Petrified, I stood there staring in her direction, feeling helpless and broken and angry that there wasn't anyone else trying to help. As I approached her body, I woke up, breathing hard, grasping at anything around me. My heart broke for these deaths that hadn't even happened. And my mind is still racing, trying to determine the meaning behind these nightmares.

I'm going to chalk it up to being away from home. And if this is the case, I may not want to sleep alone the first few nights, or weeks for that matter, when/if I finally move. It was awful. It's moments like that in which I wish I had someone to hold me close and keep me safe. *sigh*

<sub>"it's not really poetry but it's pretty," he said.
as he raises his voice, she lowers her head.
"it make my heart heavy, you're lonely, i think.
oh rose, your're sad i suppose."

"Look in her bed and she's bound to be sleeping.
she's lying there dead - no, she's breathing."


lyrically longing, she's tearing the words from the page.
she's fearfully seething.
"bring me your blessings, a prayer, or a new pen.
- you don't know what i need."

"look in my bed and i'm bound to be sleeping,
i'm lying there dead, but i'm breathing.

and i'm barely balancing as it is,
and i don't want to drown in my dreams.
bring me wild plums and agrimony
- i bet you don't even know what that means."</sub>
♫

always get that roughed kind

Dancers at the Waterfront Blues Festival, originally uploaded by Laura Slotkoff.

I absolutely love it when a dance connection is so good that I feel like I could do anything. Last night, I had some of the best blues and fusion dances. Thanks, Will. It just feels so good to relinquish control of the dance to the music and your partner. I can't do this easily with everyone, but once the lead has proven to provide enough force behind the leads, I often enjoy being thrown around a bit. Please, do not read this and assume that this is the only way I enjoy dances, because it's not. But it is a great feeling when I do get the chance!

Mm... The Bay is wonderful so far. Got to check out parts of the Mission, eat at a vegan japanese restaurant, and dance at Le Colonial (the location of said fantastic dances). It was really nice to have such a calm evening after my extremely stressful day (self-inflicted). Oh, and green tea lemondrops are delicious... just an FYI. :)

I suppose, I should get my butt up and out of this apartment to explore Oakland. I'll check in tomorrow. :)

<sub>Oh, a good man is so hard to find
We always get that roughed old kind
Just when you think that he's your pal
You like and find him hangin' 'round some old gal

Then you rave, how you crave
You wanna see him dead layin' in his grave

So if your man is nice, take my advice
Hug him in the morning, kiss him at night
Give him plenty love madam, treat your man right
'Cause a good man nowadays sure is hard to find</sub>

see your heartbreak gone

Dew soaked spiders web, originally uploaded by MimaD.

Today's that day that I promised myself that I would write about the newfound faith in my life. It has been an interesting couple of weeks, to say the least. And when I look back at my posts, I realize just how "quickly" I went through all the stages of doubt, confusion, hurt, resentment, peace, and renewed sight. Honestly, it's all a bit skewed, since I have a horrible surplus of free time on my hands now-a-days, but it still feel rushed.

Either way, here I am, at a point where I have begun to feel at ease with faith again. The Christian faith, hardly. But I do believe that the values I have learned throughout my years as a Christian have built me to be a more spiritual being. I did not have a healthy relationship with God when I was a Christian and I have many theories about that, but I won't bore with the details.

I am reading A New Kind of Christian and it has provided for me a new hope. My Christian faith was built upon a foundation that was established during my time in the sorority. I built it up using his Word, his laws, my Christian friends, and the values of my church. These are not bad things, but as I became more and more open to the people and the world around me, those foundations began to crumble. My Christian faith could not withstand the blow.

I wrote the above in the San Diego airport, fully intending to share more, however, during the flight, I was unable to put into words the things I have been feeling. So instead, I will simply explain the spiderweb (yeah, get that... my pictures DO have meaning!).

Over time, I hope to reconstruct my faith in a new way. Rather than the one foundational building block, upon which I pile upon my beliefs and practices, I will focus on building a web. A web has not one, but many, anchor points. These points all help to build the foundation for my faith. In the future, I hope that this will give it the flexibility necessary for my faith. If something disrupts the web, the other anchor points can hold it steady, until I am able to rebuild and reconnect the points.

I apologize if that was entirely too vague to satisfy for a post, but I suppose that's what you get when reading blogs that reflect someone's personal life experiences. On that note... I'm in San Francisco and quite excited for the week ahead! :D

<sub>It's a beautiful landscape
The sunset makes the coast look so clear
It's the kind that makes you heart break
But no one has those kind of problems here

And from the sagebrush comes a dove
It comes to take away the ones you love
In camouflage comes a dove, and it comes to take away the ones you love

Wake up you faithless, see your heartbreak gone

The wolf has found a way to lead this foolish flock of sheep astray
And the clouds make fearful noises and slowly turn black and shake
The darkness comes around you
The dark has come to take
And it will cut the life right from you and leave you standing in the rain
With no where left to run to, and no one left to love you but the pain

Wake up you faithless, see your heartbreak gone
It's no use trying to hold on
Wake up you faithless, you won't be here for long
And this shipwreck will soon be gone</sub>

orca whales and owl dreams

The Pomegranade Massacre, originally uploaded by SophieMuc.

I really have many amazingly insightful things that I would LOVE to share with you tonight, but the truth of the matter is that I'm VERY distracted at the moment. I really should be packing and printing and dressing and leaving for dancing tonight, so I can get to leaving and sleeping, so I'll be rested in the morning, for working and waiting in an airport and flying into SF. It's just where my focus needs to be right now and for that, I am SO sorry that I just might share a piece that I wrote last year (finished only two months ago). It is fiction, so don't start freaking out on me. :) Love you all.

READ A TRIO OF STORIES

<sub>Come in
Come in
Come into my world
I've got to show, show, show you
Come into my bed
I've got to know, know, know you

I have dreams of orca whales and owls
But I wake up in fear
You will never be my, you will never be my fool
Will never be my fool

Floaters in my eyes
Wake up in the hotel room
Cigarettes and lies
I am a child, it's too soon


I have dreams of orca whales and owls
But I wake up in fear
You will never be my, you will never be my dear
Will never be my dear, dear friend

Ba-da-da-dum-um, dear, dear friend</sub>
♫

you've got that something

Yousavedme., originally uploaded by Kristen Drozdowski..

So, it's official. My sister and I, although similar in some respects, are quite different than we would sometimes care to realize. At lunch (and again on the ride home), we were discussing various happenings as of recently and I, very casually, mentioned how I find people who know how to write well attractive. Now, she found this to be both bizarre and completely normal for me, her nerdy big sister. Ha.

Now, this is not a trait that is possessed by many and I'm not talking about people who simply write grammatically correct, with good spelling. If someone writes regularly to me, using complex sentences and resurrecting words that have fallen out of today's vernacular, he is almost instantly far more interesting and, yes, sexy than he was before!

(Dana did explain a possible reason that this is not true for her... She is a math brain and not very good at writing herself, so she doesn't care much about his ability to write either. It makes sense.)

This is not the sole reason I find myself attracted to people, but most other traits are far more common throughout the female (and male?) population: basic attractiveness, confidence, sense of humor, kind-heartedness... yadda yadda.

The other things that often attract us is someone who is similar to you in various ways: shared likes/dislikes, similarly driven, and so-on. It's even better if that person lacks the characteristics of your personality that you find less-appealing: stubbornness, laziness, etc.

To stress the point of how I am unlike many, in my reaction to men, I will offer only one last insight. One I think is completely justified and ought to shared by ALL women! Once you are above age 20, or so, you should be looking for someone who is more mature... someone who LOOKS more mature as well. What do I mean? Beards, ladies... My friend Will tells me that the majority of men compliment his awesome beard, while the women hint, ever so slightly, at his need to clean up. Really? I don't care for long beards, but I love the grizzly look (and the feeling kissing someone with one as well).

Ha. So, maybe I'll write more about the spiritual revelations in my life tomorrow. As for now, I am satisfied with my writing and a bit curious about your feedback. Please, write back... What do you look for? Am I crazy? Are you crazier?! Lemme know about it. ;)

<sub>yeah, i'll tell you something
i think you'll understand.
when i say that something,
i wanna hold your hand...

oh, please, say to me,
you'll let me be your man
and please say to me,
you'll let me hold your hand...

and when i touch you, i feel happy inside.
it's such a feeling that my love, i can't hide...

yeah you,
you've got that something
i think you'll understand
when i feel that something,
i wanna hold your hand...</sub>

only hymns upon your lips

Smith, originally uploaded by Laura Slotkoff.

^{Be careful.
Yes.
I know. I've been told.
Many times.
I haven't felt so obstinate and stubborn in a while.
I'm going chalk it up to the sickness.
But even so, my actions won't always please you.
I need to make my own mistakes sometimes.
Let me.}

I am really enjoying the book A New Kind of Christian, despite the fact that the narrative is INSANELY lacking in real character. The substance and logic provided in the descriptions of this new, changing faith really speaks to me. It is exciting to me that I have the opportunity to change directions, while maintaining the fundamentals of my faith that I never felt the need to question or doubt.

My Christian friends have been approaching me with worried looks, concerned words, and promised prayers so often that I find it more difficult to truly feel as if I can ever make decisions without the influence of everyone around me. Logically, if you desire to feel safe and secure, the smart thing to do (in my case) is surround yourself with like-minded individuals, who can build you up and encourage your choices.

God doesn't call us to be of the world, yes. However, He does call us to be IN it. That does not mean to simply live on the same planet or to hand out flyers about your new prayer group to strangers on the street. It means to immerse yourself in the culture well enough that you may actually have the ability to impact someone's life. To know them, befriend them, trust them, love them (at the risk of sounding cliche: isn't that what Jesus did?!).

You shouldn't do this as an answer to the requirements that He has set before you, but because your heart aches to reach out to the world and be a light, in whatever way that may be. It doesn't require preaching or public prayer or hymnals. If you are living life with a passion for God and allowing Him to provide you with His patience and His peace, others will then have the opportunity to ask about it. If you are living a life locked away from the rest of the world, this is no longer an option.

I do not feel guilty for spending my nights on dance floors. Close to the opposite sex. Exchanging stories and sharing lives. And allowing my world to be altered over so slightly. Maybe because it's Sunday. Or because that prayer reminded me of the warmth He brings. Either way, I feel God's strength in my life. I believe that the definition of Christianity is changing for me, but my core beliefs have not.

It just goes to show you just how little you can predict and plan for. I am not going to defend myself for actions I firmly believe are/were justified. I do not believe that homosexuality is wrong. I believe that alcohol can be a good thing. I believe that life should be lived for the benefit of all persons, of all races, creeds, and preferences. And I believe that God's work can be accomplished in a variety of ways. I'm not sorry that the way I'm now following is different. But I love you all the same.

<sub>Where I go, when I go there,
No more whispering anymore
Only hymns upon your lips;
A mystic wisdom, rising with them, to shore...

Touch me - just like that.
And that - oh, yeah, now, that's heaven.
Now, that I like.
God that's so nice.
Now lower down, where the figs lie...

Where I go when I go there,
No more shadows anymore
Only men with golden fins;
The rythm in them, rocking with them, to shore...

Where I go when I go there,
no more weeping anymore.
Only in and out your lips;
the broken wishes, washing with them, to shore.

Touch me - all silent.
Tell me, please, all is forgiven.
Consume my wine.
Consume my mind.
I'll tell you how, how the winds sigh...</sub>
♫

i really don't want to lose you

broken, originally uploaded by Megan Caros.

I could see your heart breaking for me today, friend. I know that, in theory, I should be more cautious and maybe even a bit scared about where life has led me up until now. I can tell that it pains you to see that I don't feel that way. It's more than the simple fact that I don't want to. I just don't need to anymore. And I'm sorry.

I am apologizing to you, friend, person I love and care for so deeply. I'm sorry for my words and beliefs that cut so deep today. I'm sorry that I've stopped fighting for it. For being lukewarm. I'm sorry that I've parted even farther from you. I am sorry that we are no longer the carefree, same-minded, and close individuals that we once were.

I knew that this would be the most difficult part for me. I knew that this is what would affect my life in the greatest way. I was right. More now than ever, I really wish I wasn't so externally motivated. To help. To comfort. To conform. I wish this didn't feel so right, so I would easily be able to drop it, turn away, and come back to your side... To trust and follow Him with true faith and determination. I wish it was that easy.

Well, I prayed today. For the first time in weeks, I feel. I prayed, to the God that I distrust and feel unsure about, for you. I prayed to your God, for your heart and the trials that I have set before you. I prayed that He may help you cope with the fact that I am not asking Him to help me. To heal me. To fix me.

I am really, very sorry.
I don't want to lose you.
I love you, friend.

<sub>Sun been down for days
A pretty flower in a vase
A slipper by the fireplace
A cello lying in its case

Soon she’s down the stairs
Her morning elegance she wears
The sound of water makes her dream
Awoken by a cloud of steam
She pours a daydream in a cup
A spoon of sugar sweetens up

And she fights for her life
as she puts on her coat
And she fights for her life on the train
She looks at the rain
as it pours
And she fights for her life
as she goes in a store
with a thought she has caught
by a thread
she pays for the bread
and she goes…
Nobody knows</sub>
♫

i am touching me touching you

Never Uploaded, originally uploaded by perkyNbLue.

So when I went to visit Em the other night (I'm too lazy to write the last three letters of her name, but not lazy enough to keep from pointing it out), to discuss and rehearse our blues leads, we took a break for dinner and conversing with her roomies. It was great and somehow led us to evaluate her Myers-Briggs personality. And what is the first thing you do with one of these? Of course, find the most personal and potentially embarrassing parts to read aloud. After reading her lovers section and finding very little to call out, I mentioned just how different mine had been.

[ENTJs as Lovers]
<sup>ENTJs make aggressive, enthusiastic partners who take their commitments very seriously. As in other aspects of their life, they want to be the leader in the relationship, and take on responsibility for making things work. The are creative leaders, and are likely to have relationships which promote constant growth and learning. Since they are constantly scanning the environment for new ideas and things worth learning, the ENTJ may frequently re-define the "rules" of the relationship, although their commitment remains constant. If it becomes very clear to them that the relationship no longer offers any chance of growth or learning, the ENTJ will leave the situation, and not look back.

The ENTJ is not naturally in-tune with the feelings and emotions of their partners. ENTJs who allow themselves time to be alone, and develop the introspective "feeling" side of their natures, will be generally "softer" individuals, who are more aware of their partners' emotional needs. However, this awareness is almost always a conscious attempt on the part of the ENTJ, rather than a naturally occuring characteristic. ENTJs who do not make the attempt to be aware of others, and to value their feelings and opinions, may find themselves in unbalanced relationships, where real communication does not take place. These kinds of situations present a two-edged sword to the ENTJ. They want to be in charge, but if they become so much in charge as to stifle their partners, they will eventually become bored with the relationship.

Sexually, the ENTJ is robust, imaginative and enthusiastic. Their natural instinct to lead will be apparent in this arena as well as other areas of life, and they will lead their partner on creative lovemaking adventures, where the focus is on mutual learning and affection sharing. They're likely to expect sex on a relatively scheduled basis.

In general, the ENTJ has a lot to offer to their intimate relationships. They're dedicated and enthusiastic, and willing to put forth a lot of effort to make things work out. They take on responsibility and accountability, and expect to be in charge. Their relationship will be one based on mutual respect, constant growth and development.</sup>
[ENTJ]

EDIT: I find now that I am actually a ENFJ, but the above describes me very well in such a situation. The rest of the profile fits with ENFJ however.

So I left in what was most interesting to me, partly because it's dead-on accurate and partly because it is SO uncomfortable to read something that categorizes you as such. Nothing above is horribly bad, but when I first read this (maybe 2 years ago), it was crushing since I had worked so hard to rewire myself into a more feminine and submissive personality. I couldn't even fool a personality test (that I've now taken twice. same results!), where I'M in control of the answers!!

I think that's how I feel about my life right now... I'm finally taking back the reigns and living it the way I want to. It's not too quick-moving right now and I do hope it picks back up, but for now, I'm okay with my aggressive, creative, and enthusiastic nature that shows most on the dance floor than it ever did before. :)

Now, off to go dancing. Ha.

<sub>When you've had enough and you need somebody to know
When you're looking tough but you need a way to let it go
Come on now what's a boy s'posed to do
When i can't seem to leave you alone
Touching me touching you


I wanna be your brother wanna be your father too
Never make you run for cover even if they want us to
I wanna be your sister wanna be your mother too
I wanna be wanna be
Whatever else that touches you
Whatever else that touches you
Whatever else that touches you
If you're ever losing losing your way
Just stop and listen to the things that they say
To avoid confrontation
You walk away

Growing up when i need to compromise
When i've had enough 20 years and i realize
Come on now what's a boy s'posed to do
When i can't seem to leave you alone
Touching me touching you...</sub>

i went & let you blow my mind

Spin cycle, originally uploaded by Miss Aniela.

And exhale... I have never done so much while fighting off a cold... well, at least, not when it wasn't demanded of me. I awoke this morning, ran to get in and out of the shower (somehow leaving shampoo in my hair -- which is one reason I often keep my hair short), hurried off to my dentist appointment (three teeth filled), left late to my repair appointment at the dealer (where I spilled my drink on myself, due to numbness), to the store for groceries, home to do laundry, and then cooked dinner for the family... Now, I have returned to continue the laundry, before moving onto the substitute applications that I have yet to start.

I felt terribly inspired to write about anything and everything that popped into my head... a new sort of Christianity, creationist evolution, warped fairy tale endings, my personality test "discoveries"... I just don't quite have the energy anymore. Maybe I'll come back to write later tonight, if I finish the applications. However, it is doubtful and I am actually bummed about it.

If I do... it'll prolly be about the personality tests that my friends and I discussed the other night. It's the most thought out and fun at the moment. :)

<sub>Your lipstick stains on the front lobe of my left side brains
I knew I wouldn't forget you, and so I went and let you blow my mind
Your sweet moonbeam, the smell of you in every single dream I dream
I knew when we collided, you're the one I have decided who's one of my kind

Hey soul sister, ain't the Mr. Mister on the radio, stereo,
The way you move ain't fair, you know!
Hey soul sister, I don't want to miss a single thing you do...tonight
Hey, hey

Just in time, I'm so glad you have a one-track mind like me
You gave my life direction, a game show love connection we can't deny
I'm so obsessed, my heart is bound to beat right out my untrimmed chest
I believe in you, like a virgin, you're Madonna,
And I'm always gonna wanna blow your mind</sub>

it's the way you call me 'baby'

LNTP - Current Events, originally uploaded by cortnie dee..

So, again, the arguments about same-sex marriages barraged my thoughts. When I met the I Love A Clean San Diego educator, she informed me that I would be a big help since her partner was pregnant and they both will be going on leave (she even informed me that her partner's kinder class still needs a long-term sub!!). Hearing the word partner brought back the anxiety I felt during the prop-8 voting.

I, personally, find no bearings for the claim that the right to marry should be for straight persons alone (even though the Bible explains otherwise). Why limit the rash commitment, awkward tension, and horrible divorces to one kind of people? I even asked my friends on facebook to explain why gay and lesbian marriages should not be allowed. Here are a two excerpts from (private messaged) responses:

<sub>"The lines of separation of church and state are already getting blurred in regards to what you can and can't preach about and what you can and can't do. If prop 8 were to pass, I strongly believe (based on the legal views and litigation that has already taken place and is taking place) that what a pastor can preach about will be censored or he will face legal ramifications. It's already beginning to take place. What a church can do will begin to diminish. The separation of church and state was put into to place so that God's word could be preached without the government being able to influence or control any of it. England was a mess with government controlled religion. So, America didn't want that. Now-a-days, the separation of church and state is kind of reversed. It no longer protects the church it protects the government. It protects the government from any type of influence of God or Christianity."

"The thing is, most homosexuals are not going to attempt to sue the church and most homosexuals don't have any diabolical plans for the downfall of the Church. However, they are all looking for approval of their lifestyle, that is why they are not happy with the term 'domestic partnership' they want it to be equal with marriage in all aspects, but God is the one who said what 'marriage' was first and He said in Genesis that it was one man and one woman."</sub>

These are responses that were provided after I requested non-Biblical arguments. Still, there is so much speculation and blame poured out in their explanations that it's a shock to me that I once was swayed enough to doubt my original stance. Reading the messages in their entirety is far worse than the above and my heart breaks for those who are unable to refer to their "partner" as husband or wife, due to some scared skeptics, who find no reason to consider the beliefs and emotions of those who are different from them.

I suppose that this is yet another reason I am at peace with my non-conformity. I don't want to fit in with a system of ideals that reprimands those who find love outside of the conservative Christian box. Ever since I found myself pursuing a dating relationship with a great girl from one of my theatre classes, I have acknowledged that there are many reasons that two people may be brought together, despite gender or beliefs. It is not the place of any person or body of persons to hinder how the union can be expressed.

side note: I also think the government benefits of marriage should be lifted. I doubt as many people would be pushing their way to the alter.

That was an odd and awkward rant. You're welcome. :)

<sub>If you were falling, then I would catch you.
You need a light, I'd find a match.

Cuz I love the way you say good morning.
And you take me the way I am.

If you are chilly, here take my sweater.
Your head is aching, I'll make it better.

Cuz I love the way you call me 'baby.'
And you take me the way I am.</sub>

yer not perfect, but i don't care

Day 164, 6/12/08, originally uploaded by cortnie dee..

I'm killing the battery on my iPod writing this here, but I just can't ignore this deep desire to write the blog that I have been thinking about since yesterday. My sister and I had time to talk the other day and she shared with me one of the most pressing issues in her life right now. I need to share a but about her for you to understand what I have to say, in it's entirety.

My sister and I fell away from the church when we left home for college. I spent only a year and a half away, while she left for three years. She has had the same boyfriend for four years now and he is not religious.

In the past several months, she has rekindled her faith and enjoys attending church and small groups. She is torn, however, when it comes to her boyfriend, because, although supportive of her faith, he is unwilling to attend any of these functions with her. She now feels like she has this entirely separate life from him and desperately wants to include him in it. Even if that means to meet and chat with her Christian friends outside of church at one point or another.

This has not deterred me from the path I find myself on right now, but it does open my eyes to something that I should really be aware of. If I do start a relationship with someone, at some point, I really need to be open with him and share these concerns that I have about my own faith, admitting to him AND myself that I could possibly rededicate myself to God. It's not something that we would need to address often, but to know that he is willing to attend a religious event for the good of our relationship is important.

As I wrote that last part, it seems selfish. I'm unsure if it is, but I still think it's important. I'm eager to experience new things myself and invest in the lives of my friends, so it's something I hope to put into practice myself as well. :)

<sub>This is the way that I know
This is the way that I know
I would give everything for some hope
Are you different, could I be different too?
Nobody knows you, nobody knows you like I do

Cause there's a song outside my window
And it plays to your tune
And there's a life inside this pencil
And it lives for what is true
Cause I am lost for words, the cost for her
Was way to much to bear
You're not perfect, but I don't care</sub>

the way you're making me feel

3rd Sunday: The best part of waking up..., originally uploaded by perkyNbLue.

I've officially raised sufficient funds for the Dance-a-thon. I'm relieved that I don't have to worry about that anymore, but I would really like to raise more money as well. My focus, however, needs to be on raising sufficient funds to earn back to money I've already spent on traveling. I hope to land more babysitting opportunities, which will hopefully allow for that.

I have so much to look forward to...

SF in 9 days,
the dance-a-thon,
birthday trip to the Bay,
summer dances,
and (hopefully) a new job in the future

... that I'm finding it difficult to live in the moment and appreciate the small things that are happening right now. With so little going on during the day, I really need to pay attention. It was so much easier during college and student teaching to keep plugged in to the world around me. I can't wait to get a substantial job, but I intend to make the best of the life I have right now, until then. :)

<sub>you're crazy and it's rubbing off to meet my wild side
i like it
you're different and it makes me wanna take you for a ride
i like it

there's something nice about the way you make my head reel
it's crazy
i'm wrapped up, i'm not myself, i want to get in my thrills
ooh, the way you're making me feel

i like it

you're moving and it's getting me a little insane
i like it
i'm lost in you, it's hard to find myself a grip on the reigns
i like it</sub>

just pull me down hard, love

Embrace, originally uploaded by indoloony.

_{It was a Valentine's free-for-all.
Awoke, ate, babysat, phone calls,
Viejas for blues, Ciao Bella for lindy, and home.
It was a great night... it could have been better.
Starting tomorrow, I'm going to work my butt off,
doing as much as I can to secure a job in the Bay.}

I miss the sound of your voice
and I miss the rush of your skin
and I miss the still of the silence
as you breathe out, and I breathe in

if I could walk on water,
if I could tell you what's next
I'd make you believe,
I'd make you forget

so, come on, get higher
loosen my lips
faith and desire
in the swing of your hips
just pull me down hard
and drown me in love

I miss the sound of your voice
the loudest thing in my head
and I ache to remember
all the violent, sweet, perfect words that you said

I miss the pull of your heart
I taste the sparks on your tongue
and I see angels and devils and God when you come
... on
hold on, hold on, love
♫

somebody open the window...

Sea view, originally uploaded by Miss Aniela.

Ha. I just realized that tomorrow is Valentine's Day. I will be babysitting baby Maia, so Runi and Miguel can go out to celebrate early evening tomorrow. But then... I need to find something to do. It's too bad Blue Bella was last night, because that would have been amazing! Freaking fantastic dancing and hot music!! We have had some truly amazing line-ups as of late and I'm excited to see what else the future holds!

I will be singing with my sister at the ΑΔΧ fundraiser for Haiti tonight. Two originals and one cover. The harmonies are sounding good so, I'm excited to help my sister out, to get back on stage, and to see my lovely sorority sisters. I doubt my Lil Sis even knows I'm coming. :)

Anyone still in SD even read my blogs?
Busy tomorrow?
I hear there may be salsa dancing. ;)

<sub>Looked down to your navel, began to hum a tune
Suckin' like a millionaire, on your silver spoon.
You started to sweat.
Bullets from your soul.
Sweat.
Lost all means of self control.
Sweat.
Like a twenty dollar whore.
Sweat.
Lord, that's when she walked through the door.

She said her name was Sadie, that she was your doll.
That look of apprehension you wore said that wasn't all.
♫</sub>

'cause you know just how to do

DSC_2420, originally uploaded by andihazelwood.

Wow. Last night was... wow.
I drank more last night than I have since Thanksgiving. Ha. I sent out some embarrassing texts, had some incredible dances, talked to many wonderful people, and slept on a friend's couch, since I couldn't drive home. It hilarious and loved every second. If I do end up moving, I know I will greatly miss the women down here. They are marvelous people and they truly do keep me sane.

At the same time, I'm strengthening ties with my friends in the Bay. I got to see Big this past weekend and I had a wonderful phone conversation with Will... I love the idea of packing up my life and moving. So, nine days from now, I will trek up to the Bay and get ready to fight for a job. If Grand Big can do it, so can I, right Big?! ;)

<sub>Now, you gotten fruit on your tree
Lemons on your shelf
Now, you know lovin' mama
That you can't squeeze them all yourself


I like yo' apple in your tree
I'm crazy 'bout your peaches, too
I'm crazy about your fruit, baby
'Cause you know just how to do

Now, please let me be your lemon squeezer
'Yes, my Lord!'
Now, whilst I'm in your lonesome town
Now, if you let me be your lemon squeezer
Lord, until my love come down

Now, an it ain't but the one thing, baby
Now, that'll really make me cry
'What man?'
I acks you 'bout your lemons, baby
An you ups an tell me a lie
♫</sub>

i used to stare up into the sky

{Week 11} Think happy thoughts, originally uploaded by perkyNbLue.

So continues my spiritual journey...

I honestly cannot tell up from down at this point. It may be that I'm finding comfort in the concrete, at this point. The observable and categorical.

I'm a creature of habit, as most humans are, and I think I became dependent on the pursuit of God. Not because I knew Him and strived to know more, but because I was taught about Him from a young age and knew that it was expected. It was all I ever knew to do. And, as I've stated prior, I'm a good rule-follower.

*sigh* I can logically reason through each spiritual/God moment that I've ever had and I have begun to mourn the faith that now feels so far away. What worries me more than losing my relationship with God is the fear that I might, in turn, lose the relationships I have already formed with Christian friends.

I grew up around Christians and "Christians" alike, who, at the very least, made references to their beliefs or, at the very least, hinted at believing. It wasn't until college that I met more agnostics and atheists and this was also the time that my dad revealed to me that he was agnostic as well. I never hid my faith and was always willing to share with others about the amazing things He was doing in my life.

I wasn't always greeted with tender ears and I often had clashes with some of my atheist friends. I could feel each blow they would take against my faith, as if I was the one getting physically beaten down. I've heard every lewd and inappropriate comment or question and could never understand how it was that they couldn't see what was so plain to me.

Well, I can't see now. I also can't figure out how it was that I felt these things so deeply and now, cannot find a way to feel them at all (prolly something to do with my entire life changing at once). Either way, I still find Bible verses to be helpful and good, although I don't agree with all of them as written, and I hope to take a break from all this soul-searching. I just want to be in the moment again. Only then can I work towards future goals, one step at a time.

<sup>I used to stare up into the sky,
And fill the space around with my whys
But now i've got it all figured out,
And i'm embarrassed that it took me till now,

The simple answers in her replies
Unlock the universe with her eyes,
She rips apart my world with her moves,
Oh while stealing all the light in the room
And i found someone to walk me through this life
The brightest sun has opened up my eyes
Tonight i need exactly who she is
We're going to be perfect

She can teach a melody to the birds,
And problem solving without a word
She can tell the richest man how to need,
Oh right after telling him about me</sup>

go with the flow, ya don't stop

Jonny & Candace, originally uploaded by perkyNbLue.

I needed to take a break from analyzing...
Last night's dancing was amazing.
Partly due to some wonderful leads and music,
Mostly because I indulged and had a few drinks.
I'm glad that I kept my happy drunk buzz all night long!
My feet are a bit clumsy usually, but none of that last night.
It was great and I'm looking forward to the Harp tonight.
If I do drink, it won't be another Sex on the Beach.
I've had plenty.

<sub>Well I was eating lunch at the D.L.G.
When this little girl came and she sat next to me
I never seen nobody move the way she did
Well she did and she does and she'll do it again

When you move like a jellyfish
Rhythm don't mean nothing
You go with the flow
You don't stop
Move like a jellyfish
Rhythm is nothing
You go with the flow
You don't stop

It's as common as something that nobody knows
Her beauty will follow wherever she goes
Up the hill in the back of her house in the wood
She'll love me forever, I know

She la da da da da da

If you would only listen
You might just realize what you're missing
You're missing me</sub>

is that alright with you? is it?

5x7-perseverance, originally uploaded by DanielleQ.

So, it became undeniably clear to me yesterday, just after my last posting, that it's not God that I don't trust. In fact He is one of the only things in my life, thus far, who has always proven true. It's the hard truth that I merely lack faith in myself. That is where my problem lies. Don't get me wrong, this is no pity part or cry for help. I have just realized that the facts are not in my favor. I'm not as flexible as I often need to be and I am all too eager to plan my life away at the drop of a hat.

This wasn't a problem until I found myself planning details of a wedding and a future in a Seattle home, with nothing to go by, but a boy's word (cue dropped hat) and faith that God would see us through. Now, God stayed true, by pulling us apart before we had the chance to exchange rings, but I had already betrayed myself. I had redirected my life. Altered my "someday," however slight.

This was all done because I felt God's blessing on our relationship and ran with it. As I run with everything. Head first, full force, no questions. Now, I doubt my strength to resist that instinct. And my time away from Him, as of late, has been eye-opening and refreshing. I have nothing to run with or run after because the world is full of maybes.

It always has been and I realize that, intellectually. However, I simply can't ignore the fact that my way of thinking and approaching life before was detrimental to my emotional health. Very much so. I would love to rediscover and reclaim my faith, but now I'm on a slightly different trajectory. A slower one. More deliberate with each and every detail. It may take me a lot longer to find Him again, but I'm not shutting Him out and it is something that I'll chalk up to life experience.

Please, know that prayers are always welcome and I would love to hear of Bible verses that have helped any of you through similar situations. I love you and I thank you for all your support, whether known to me or not. May God continue to stir and thrive in your lives, spurring you on to great things.

<sub>Leave me out with the waste
This is not what I do
It's the wrong kind of place
To be cheating on you
It's the wrong time
She's pulling me through
It's a small crime
And I've got no excuse

Is that alright?
Give my gun away when it's loaded
Is that alright?
If you dont shoot it, how am I supposed to hold it
Is that alright?
If I give my gun away when it's loaded
Is that alright?
Is that alright with you?
♫</sub>

what can i call myself now?

Silence speaks for an empty Heart, originally uploaded by Elsa Prinsessa.

Change is bewildering
Don't know who I am
I am enjoying it though
Just doesn't seem right
I feel like I've been waiting
Always waiting
I often forget to live
I finally feel like I can
I'm unsure of what forced the change
I may resent Him
I may simply doubt His power
It's difficult to put that into writing actually
I resent myself for feeling this way as well
I've always been hard on myself
For what reason?
*sigh*
I know the answers
Never doubted it in the past
It's just another step on my path...
In the meantime, I'll be reading A New Kind of Christian

<sub>"Don't accept that what's happening
Is just a case of others' suffering
Or you'll find that you're joining in
The turning away"

It's a sin that somehow
Light is changing to shadow
And casting it's shroud
Over all we have known

On the wings of the night
No more turning away
From the weak and the weary
No more turning away
From the coldness inside

Just a world that we all must share
It's not enough just to stand and stare
♫</sub>

could it be? yes, it could. :)

Short Ribs with Gremolata, originally uploaded by consumedithis.

Sitting here, eating my dad's Guinness-braised short ribs, I wonder how it is that I've come so far in life without pausing long enough to allow life to just take its course. It's not entirely unfathomable, really, when you take school into consideration. For twelve years, I attended school and for the most part, did exactly as I was told. When high school ended, I went to college. It wasn't a debate or something that I ever gave a second thought to. It was expected and I did as expected. I followed the rules. I have difficulty breaking rules.

I pursued teaching, when I was told that I could not pursue musical theatre. I was desperate for the stage, hungry for the freedom to express what I could not in the body I felt trapped inside (melodramatic? well, yes, I am a drama nerd). It was frustrating and it was painful and then, it was life. It became normal. Ignored. I'm sure this was the reason I became infatuated with lindy. There are only so many choir and theatre classes that you can take on the side, before the parents become suspicious of your academic intent.

Lindy was my outlet for performance. I don't know who I was performing for, but it felt great. Years passed and I fell deeper and deeper into the teacher persona that I had to fight so hard to take on. Now, dancing to perform was an afterthought and lindy lost its luster. It wasn't until the end of 2009, beginning of 2010, that I saw blues at its best. Raw, intimate, and real emotion expressed between two people. It was more than a performance, it was the embodiment of every saved lift, extended note, and exaggerated breath that I experienced during my time, cut short, on the stage. It was the life behind those performances and it was something I had to be a part of!

Now, each time I step onto the dance floor, I try to open myself up to my partner and to the music, allowing those emotions to return. The panic of opening night. The rush of adrenaline when the curtains open. The transcendent feeling you get once the music begins. No one else exists. Just you. Just you and your partner. And again, just you. I'm not hungry for it anymore. I have it. I love it. And I won't be giving it up for a long time.

It does make me wonder though... I'm often asked why I don't just teach dance. Maybe it's insecurity, thinking that I'm not ready for it. Maybe it's merely the lack of a dance partner. Or maybe my path has changed. I was never good at breaking rules and I've become quite used to following them. It's time for me to reevaluate and open myself up to new possibilities. New drives. New opportunities. New convictions. New loves. Same determination.

<sub>Purpose.
It's that little flame,
That lights a fire under your ass. Ha!

Purpose.
It keeps you going strong,
Like a car with a full tank of gas.

I don't know how I know,
But I'm gonna find my purpose.
I don't know where I'm gonna look,
But I'm gonna find my purpose.

Gotta find out.
Don't wanna wait.
Got to make sure that my life will be great.
Gotta find my purpose.
Before it's too late.

Could be far. Could be near.
Could take a week, a month, a year (maybe more).
At a job. Or smoking grass. Ha!
Maybe at a pottery class.
Could it be? Yes, it could.
Something's coming... Something good...!

I gotta find me!</sub>

come down and rock my boat

Pittstop 2007, originally uploaded by indoloony.

Last night's Blue Bella was insanely wonderful!
It felt so good to have such a successful blues/fusion event in SD.
It feels so good to be able to dance to the music I love most.
The class went well and I think our tips were received well,
so the rest of the night was full of deeper conversations,
passionate connections,
and soulful music (thanks to Jackie!).
I can't wait to dance with my friends from the Bay.
I was excited before, but now, I'm just eager to get there.
I can't wait for the end of Feb., mid-March, and May.
I'm ready to rock your boat! :)

<sub>now, I don't wanna, I don't wanna, I don't wanna
be there to shake your chain
be so vain
let my patience explain

I wanna make you laugh
scratch your back
I wanna hold up your arms
and make you feel like that
I wanna rock your boat
baby, I wanna let you know
something's come over me

something's come over me
that's all I'm going through
one more day, in this life
I'm so messed up over you</sub>

yes, you hold me without touch

Lauren & Emily, originally uploaded by Jeff.

I teach with Emily tonight.
It should be a really fun class...
As long as people show up.
It's always difficult with these events.
Very few seem to care about blues dancing.
I hope the class clears up misconceptions people have.
It doesn't have to be close.
Or sensual.
Or dirty.

It's just a little bit better when it goes there from time to time.
As music and my partner changes, so do I.
I wish dancing was less about how you looked to others...
More about the conversation you're having.
With your partner.
With the music.
With the energy that moves between the three.

That's where I'll be tonight.
Whether or not the class is a good turn-out.
I intend to connect and grow closer to friends tonight.
And I will do it through dance.
*sigh*
Enough hippy stuff.
I guess I should start my day.

<sub>Something always brings me back to you
It never takes too long
No matter what I say or do
I still feel you here, 'til the moment I'm gone

You hold me without touch
You keep me without chains
I never wanted anything so much
Than to drown in your love and not feel your rain

Set me free, leave me be
I don't wanna fall another moment into your gravity (not true)
Here I am and I stand so tall
I'm just the way I'm supposed to be
But you're onto me and all over me

You loved me 'cause I'm fragile
When I thought that I was strong
But you touch me for a little while
And all my fragile strength is gone</sub>

when your playin with desire

too, too smooth, originally uploaded by Laura Slotkoff.

I am now some sort of vampire-zombie.
My eyes have completely betrayed me, yet again.
Paler than normal.
Dark rings under my eyes.
And eyes that are COMPLETELY bloodshot red.
Merr.
I did stop by the family eye doctor.
Got a grab bag of different eye drops.
I will fight this thing hard.
I absolutely refuse to concede to...
Normal bedtime hours
Nights in, to avoid cigarette smoke,
Or time away from technology!

On that note... I should step away now.
*reluctantly backs away*

<sub>If there's lessons to be learned
I'd rather get my jamming words in first
So, tell you something that I've found
That the worlds a better place when it's upside down, boy.

If there's lessons to be learned
I'd rather get my jamming words in first
So, when your playing with desire
Don't come running to my place when it burns like fire, boy.

Sweet about me
Nothing sweet about me... yeah

Blue, blue, blue... waves they crash
As time goes by... so hard to catch.
Too, too smooth... ain't all that,
Why don't you ride... my side of the tracks?</sub>

i used to feel so uninspired

DSC_2436, originally uploaded by andihazelwood.

i'm too happy to write tonight...
i'd rather venture off into my dreamland. :)
.... i'll write this tomorrow ....

What a day... I have never had such mixed feelings in one day before. Really, it's not in a bad way at all. Just odd. I spent most of my day (when not sleeping or at work), with my ex, going over the class we took together, so I can teach that blues class on friday. We didn't fight once. Epic really. LoL.

About an hour into a review session, Emily called me and let me know that she could practice, so we zoomed over and he helped us both make sure that we were doing it right and then that we were ready to teach it. I'm excited for friday now and more understanding why it's easier for me to dance so close during blues. I need more upper body strength, if I want to create space. I won't worry too much about it for a while. :)

It was the Firehouse afterwards, where I ran into old friends, danced my heart out, and spent time hiding to relax every once in a while. I am a bit sore now, from the whips and lifts, but I'll heal.

Okay, that's my story.
I haven't really written in a while.
So I thought I'd take the time to share.

Random side note: I love texts. :)

<sub>Looking out on the morning rain
I used to feel so uninspired
And when I knew I had to face another day
Lord, it made me feel so tired
Before the day I met you, life was so unkind
But you're the key to my peace of mind

Cause you make me feel, you make me feel
You make me feel like a... natural woman

When my soul was in the lost-and-found
You came along to claim it
I didn't know just what was wrong with me
Till your kiss helped me name it
Now I'm no longer doubtful of what I'm living for
And if I make you happy I don't need to do more</sub>

leave this world for a while

fourtytwo., originally uploaded by atomic turquoise.

I feel really free.
Free of my usual stresses.
And free from the restrictions that have kept me bound.
I am so glad that my parents are being supportive.
I'm eager to explore new horizons.
New places, dances, people.
It hurts right now.
But without this pain, I'd still be waiting.
Waiting for my life to begin.
To unfold before me.
I am done waiting.
I'm awake.

<sub>she’s a good girl, loves her mama
loves Jesus and America too
she's a good girl, crazy ’bout Elvis
loves horses and her boyfriend too

it’s a long day living in Reseda
there’s a freeway runnin’ through the yard
and I’m a bad boy, ’cause I don’t even miss her
I’m a bad boy for breakin her heart

and I’m free, free fallin’
yeah I’m free, free fallin’</sub>

i bought my ticket to paradise

Wide Angle Bridge, originally uploaded by Thomas Hawk.

I got my ticket to SF today. I'm going up for the recruitment fair in Contra Costa and I'll be up there for about a week. It's just how the dates turned out, offering the cheapest airfare. I'm nervous. I'm excited. I'm just that much closer! :)

"There may not be a Heaven,
but there is a San Francisco."
- Ashleigh Brilliant
(English Author & Cartoonist)

<sub>The best things happen while you're dancing
Things that you would not do at home come naturally on the floor

For dancing soon becomes romancing
When you hold a girl in your arms that you've never held before

Even guys with two left feet
Come out all right if the girl is sweet
If by chance their cheeks should meet
While dancing

Proving that the best things happen
When you dance</sub>